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He Got A Checkup

27 Feb

And his worst fear was confirmed…

“Well, it turns out I’m NOT dying after all. I know, I’m bummed too. I went to the doctor yesterday and explained my symptoms– morning dehydration and headaches, burning pee and stomach pain, farts, strangers in the living room, broken dishware, poorly written emails to exes, camera crew in the bushes, kids next door are crying, and my orange tree is dead. He called the cops but the CAT scan came back clean.”

FUCKIN CAT SCAN!!!!!!

FUCKIN CAT SCAN!!!!!!

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Figuring Yourself Out

26 Oct

He does it, and god dammit so can you!

“I’ve been feeling really down recently because the doctors keep telling me I’m “going to die soon” and “you have Aidsthma!” so I haven’t been going out or having fun like my usual self. Then it hit me. It wasn’t my Aidsthma acting up that was making me sad, it was that I somehow hadn’t listened to rap music for a week! So I put the video for “Oh” by Ciara (f/ Ludacris) on, danced around, thought about how cool I am, exploded some crazy liquid everywhere from my Schlamson Rod, and now I’m better. Don’t ever NOT listen to rap music for more than three days.”

This chick is hot in the weirdest way. Like I want to do pull-ups with her:

Time To See A Doctor

9 Oct

If this happens to you, don’t brag. Call 911…

“Blew my nose last night and a dead moth came out! That’s how you know you’re awesome. I’d send a pic but I took one and my iPhone 6 broke immediately.”

Sick, kid.

Getting Creative

31 Jul

Drastic times call for drastic measures. That’s a saying right? He sent this picture:

What a fucking selection!

“At the doctor’s office today because my AIDS is flaring up and all they have to masturbate to is this magazine about traveling in the Northeast. Sometimes you’ve gotta get creative. Hoping the combo of loose cougars and the oxymoron of a funny woman can get me over the hump into Explosion Alley, AKA the bathroom with the shitty button lock ten feet from here.” 

Really?

28 Jun

Really?

“I can’t believe The Real World is still on TV. Didn’t it get AIDS like 17 years ago?” 

Awwwwww shit!

Get Hurt

8 Dec

Another solid idea…

“The best way to get to know your body is to torture it. You’ll find out all sorts of things that regular people don’t know, like the fact that scabs on the inside crease of your elbow take 9 years to heal, or that you can go 30 days without drinking water and not die, or that a bad case of Tiger Nuts never really goes away, it just stops glowing orange after a year. Things like that. Bet you Dr. Oz’s dumb ass doesn’t know that shit.” 

"Tiger Nuts? I'm not familiar with that."

Someone Call A Doctor

30 Jul

He’s sick. Sent this text at 3AM his time last night:

“I think I might be dying. My penis just coughed, no joke. Other people heard it. Super awkward.”

Any pre-med students want to take a shot at this?

 

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