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Armed And Hammered

23 Aug

I’ve never met anyone as ungrateful to get laid as he is…

“Slept at this girl’s house last night and she had that fucking Arm & Hammer toothpaste. Great. Little salt crunchers in my mouth all night long. Shoulda just not brushed my teeth and given her the old Stink Mouth in the morning. Thanks for nothing, idiot.” 

Why am I ever shocked anymore? You type “arm and hammer toothpaste” and get like five photos of girls taking self shots, alone.


The Porn Problem

18 Apr

It’s big…

“Dude I think we’re running out of porn! Been seeing a lot of repeats lately, and a lot of “teens” who are clearly more like 30 year olds. Those braces don’t fool me! That being said, yesterday I asked a couple girls at the 7-11 how they’d feel about me stacking them on top of each other and having a go of it, so maybe I should slow down on the porn anyway. Toodles!” 

Nice try lady, but I see those eye wrinkles.


28 Feb

He sent this weird drawing last night. All he wrote was:

“I realized something tonight…”

Remember to floss regularly kids.

Taking Sips And Taking Risks

27 Jan

Just do it! He sent me this at 3AM his time last night:

“Hung out with some bohemian types tonight and met a man named Jerome who’s dream it was to start his own mouthwash company. He even had a bottle of his secret recipe (the first ingredient was, according to Jerome, “an old bottle of mouthwash I found”) in his windowless van. Did I try some? Of course I did! If a man with dreadlocks named Jerome asks you to try his “homemade, aged mouthwash,” and can only tell you 4 of the 9 ingredients, you say yes. You don’t want to live with regrets, and we regret the things we DIDN’T DO, not the things we did. Although when I had to pull over to puke on the ride home, I suppose I kind of regretted it.”

He included this drawing as well:

I see some flaws in this marketing plan already...

The Meaning Of Confidence

7 Dec

According to him:

“How is it that I know I could fuck every girl in the World? Because I know that I can. Same reason I know I’ll win every fistfight I get in. Do I get rejected sometimes? Hell yes. Do I get my ass kicked sometimes? You bet. Do I wake up in someone else’s kitchen wearing the top half of a tuxedo with a toothbrush jammed up my ass sometimes? Maybe– mind your own business! And on that note, never go to the Annual Marina Del Ray Dentist’s Ball.”

Got it. Avoid that party, fuck chicks, win fights. 

Oh no...


2 Aug

We make them, and then look to blame someone else. In this case its life…

Really, Life? You just had me do a whitening strip and then smoke a cigarette? Dumb. Just dumb.”

He’s had this problem before: 

“Sunday Checklist”

25 Jul

That was the title of the email. I’m just glad I’m a part of it. And you should be too…

“Wake up at Noon.


Email you.

Eat two breakfasts.


Call someone and tell them how awesome I am.


Drink a couple beers.

Call someone and tell them how awesome I am.


Send a cute email to an ex-girlfriend. Something along the lines of “Thought you would find this funny”


Drink two more beers.

Call Mom. Always call Mom on Sundays, it makes her feel good. Give her a kiss for me too she’s Mom and she’s sad because Dad is such a shit-for-brains


Check email. No response from ex.

Drink two more beers.

Go to the beach.


Shit I forgot to eat lunch!


Call someone and tell them how awesome I am.

Get Chipotle. Extra meat, guac (Yes I know it’s extra just fucking put it on there bitch!), and chips and salsa. Boom.

Eat it.


Poop it.

Text an ugly girl who I hate.


Drink three shots of tequila.


Open the door “Hi!”

She blows me.

I tell her I’m tired.

She leaves.


Check email. Still nothing. Consider sending nonchalant follow-up. Don’t.

Drink one more beer while watching 15 minutes of a “The First 48” episode.


Email an old friend about how awesome I am.

Email you.

Brush teeth.


Home is good so far. He called earlier and pretended he had to go once he got on the phone with our Dad. And then our Dad said something about the weather and sat down. 

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