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????

30 Dec

A puzzling, troubling text:

“Hey dude. Just figured out how Stella got her groove back. Long story. Call for details.”

I called and he didn’t answer. I hate him sometimes.

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Assuming Identities

30 Dec

I’m sure these nicknames would be big hits with the ladies:

“This fella “The Situation” seems to be getting a lot of good publicity and getting laid a lot. I’m thinking that a nickname could help you do better with the ladies next semester. I came up with a couple ideas for you. Feel free to use them:

1. The Dictionary: You could yell “Funk & Wagnals!” every time you enter a party. People would probably get really excited. “Oh shit The Dictionary’s here!’ is something they might scream. And then a hot girl would say, “He knows everything” and pass out.

2. The Problem Area: When you meet girls say “Whatup bitch it’s The Problem Area” and then move your hands in a circle in front of your dick. I bet a couple hot sorority girls would go, “Uh-oh!” in unison and then smile and look at each other like the Olsen Twins used to.

Hope those help. I’ll text if I come up with any more.”

The Encyclopedia?

 

The Tell Tale Cell

29 Dec

New text:

“FYI: Although not every slut owns a pink cell phone, every pink cell phone is owned by a slut. And don’t even get me started if that shit is bedazzled.”

And if there's a Hello Kitty logo, watch out, she's Asian!

Always On My Mind

29 Dec

So thankful for nuggets of wisdom like these:

“One time I got a hooker (okay, 33 times, but this ONE time) and her mouth tasted like ashtrays and assholes put together, which seemed really weird, am I right? But it all came together later when I saw her eat a cigarette out of my friend’s asshole. Duh! I guess that just goes to show you that you shouldn’t kiss everyone you’re paying for sex. Keep that in mind motherfucker!”

How could I forget that?

Resolutions

29 Dec

Another one that might come in handy soon:

“New Year’s Eve is coming up, and with it, the tide of irrational and unrealistic goals being set forth by the masses. “I want to lose weight!” “I want to learn the piano!” “I want to stop eating so much shrimp that I get iodine poisoning every week!” Whatever they are, realize that women make the majority of them, and that in the days leading up to this “new life” of theirs, they’re going to be living very gluttonously in fear of the pending change. So take advantage of this. I did a poll of the stereotypes of women I’ve made up in my brain, and 75% of them want to stop sucking so many dicks in the new year… meaning New Year’s Eve will be the last night they’re mouthing around your town. Understand this, and get after ’em!”

Follow-Up

28 Dec

A quality recommendation:

“Earlier today at the airport I was getting one of those fancy new patdowns next to this country club schmuck of a guy, and he said to the TSA worker patting him down, “Jeez why don’t you buy me lunch first!” referring to his junk being grazed… and then he laughed and looked at me, expecting me to laugh. I didn’t. Instead I followed him to McDonalds and when he was about to pay, I stepped in and said “This one’s on me.” Then I just stared at him and raised my eyebrows. It’s called follow-up, bitch!”

Logic would tell you not to believe this, but I honestly wouldn’t be surprised.

Going Away Present

28 Dec

Well, he’s gone now. But he did leave me the following gift (and $100- yay!) on the floor of my room this morning. What a guy.

He took this from the basement.

 

 

I do not support this homophobic asterisk, though I do find it funny.

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