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“Tonight I Ate Some Mushrooms”

3 Oct

And what follows makes perfect sense…

“Tonight I ate some mushrooms, watched the Presidential Debate and then went to a concert. What a night. Here are some things I realized:

1. One day I want to be one of those people they mention when they’re like, “I met a school teacher in Reno the other day, and she was dead. But I spoke to her via a medium and a Ouija Board. And she said we need more teachers.” I want to be that dead woman.

2. I want to make a blog called “When Hipsters Cry” that is simply pictures of hipsters crying. They’re all a bunch of bitches anyway so I bet we can do it. Did you know that people who are ACTUALLY COOL don’t want to live in Brooklyn anymore because they have dipshits on trust funds with rolled up jeans and projective personality disorders looking at them with scowls as they walk down the street? True story. My friend is a super cool Norwegian music video director, and he’s moving out because he’s tired of kids rolling their eyes at him while he makes cool shit happen and they have their parents beeping through on the other line trying to loan them money… AGAIN.

3. I’m going to start lifting weights again, get up to 205, grow my hair out JUST PRECISELY to the length where it requires berets (sp?) and then start wearing them in my hair, taking time to pin back my locks with my beautiful weightroom muscles while I block someone’s view at a clown college graduation or whatever it is I’m watching.

4. Did you know that if you’re on mushrooms at a concert and you go in the bathroom, the sound of people peeing and pooping will actually perfectly mimic the beat of whatever song  is playing> Try it! 

That’s all.”

Oh that’s all? Thank God. 

Genius. Pure genius.

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Rest In Peace

3 Jul

And in the minds of everyone, hopefully…

“I hope I die on a day where no one else famous dies so I can get the attention I deserve. Nobody’s beating Matlock today.” 

I didn’t realize he was famous. 

Yeah, put the square around the M. Perfect. All finished with this logo!

Trust Your Gut

1 Feb

Gotta do it. I’ve found myself in some weird situations since school started back up, but nothing like this:

“Getting drunk with friends can be very fun. And when girls are involved, it’s only better. And when those girls are naked riding tricycles and you’re only wearing a bolo tie and a Magnum condom, it’s the best. But at some point in your four years in college, a fellow student of yours will die from drugs or alcohol. I promise you. It happens every single year on every single college campus in the country. I can recall seven in my six years at college off the top of my head. Don’t be that guy! Trust your instincts, whatever you do. If the driver’s too drunk, don’t get in. If it seems like there’s too many people on that deck, don’t go out there- it’s about to collapse. If a really sleazy “townie” gives you a pill, pretend to take it and throw it away later. Trust me, you don’t want to end up tied to a big block Ford engine behind a shed when an old illiterate guy named Chauncey comes out wearing an ill-fitting pink dress- I know it sounds cool, but it NEVER ends well.”

He’s either worried about me, or going even more crazy than ever. 

Bolo tie + "Tunnel of Love" = excellent job by me

Congratulations And Condolences

22 Aug

New saying:

“I’ve got a new saying that should save me about $5,000 next year– “I don’t show up to weddings, I show up to funerals.” Boom. See you in Hell, bitches!”

Cool so… What? 

And he shows up like this.

“Last Man”

8 Aug

Sounds like he had a lot of fun…

“Well, it finally happened. I’m down to my last man in the video game of life. I used up two more this weekend, one in a bathroom stall at a nightclub (heart attack from sex) and another this morning when I woke up inside a pizza box and had a stroke. How did I fit inside a pizza box you ask? Not sure, but it hurts. Anyway, I had a good run. Just hope I don’t die someway stupid like from old age or marriage.”

Who would want to live a long life and get old and die? So boring.

Knowing When To Say…

31 Mar

That you fucked someone:

“When someone says to you “Hey do you remember that girl So-and-So Stevens?” Be careful when you answer. Someone just asked me if I remembered a girl from college and I said “How could I forget her? I stinkfingered her in a booth at O’Malley’s freshman year! Why do you ask?” to which they responded, “She just died.” So, you know, be careful and shit. Maybe say “Why do you ask?” first.”

This is the type of thing that only happens to him.

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