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Get Loose

12 Oct

for a fun time this weekend…

“Hey make sure you’ve got all your multi-racial friends ready to see Footloose on Friday night and start spontaneously dancing in the theatres. Me and my buddies Ramona, Tyrone, Chang, Paco, Toyota, and Gay Ricky already picked our outfits and we are gonna get SO SWEATY IN THERE!!!!!!! PS I used to live in a town where dancing was illegal until I showed Mayor Proud Whiteman how to Dance-Fuck, at which point the law was reversed (following his funeral).” 

Wait did he just admit to another murder?

I wanted to find a picture of multiracial peeps but this one was funniest.

Switching Teams

9 Sep

He’s going to try to convince someone to do it…

“Taking a chick on a date tonight– only problem is she’s a lesbian. Not for long, am I right fellas???? (Then every guy in the World claps and hoots and hollers and smashes beer bottles and does a really cool but kind of understated dance)”

And he certainly has an exciting view of his impact on the world. 

Google Images strikes again. I typed "confused lesbian"

Don’t Be So Touchy

12 May

Strip club advice…

“When a stripper tells you “you can touch me wherever you want” she means it. The thing is, that big black bouncer over there? He’s not aware of your little “deal” with Jasmine. So when he sees you cupping her tits with one hand and a wet willy with the other, he’s gonna ask you to stop. And when your response to his request is “Don’t boss me, bro,” he’s going to physically remove you from the Happy Room. And when you then start singing “Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer AND doing the Hammer dance, he’s going to throw you out. At that point, when you start peeing on the end of the red carpet/velvet rope area, he’s going to punch you in the head. And from there, you will most likely be one hour late to work the next day. I hope that you have found this educational.”

I have. I just wish I could use it on an exam.  

I hope there's never a photo of me that's this embarrassing.


The Real Tournament

25 Mar

He sent me and about ten other people this masterpiece. Pretty self-explanatory…

“I’m sick and tired of people asking me about my bracket. “How’s your bracket, bro? Mine’s busted!” Totally man, awesome conversation. You wanna know how my bracket is, douche? It’s all right here.

Love that sponsor!

Still a lot of basketball to be played, but so far it’s been a great tourney. I think everyone was happy to see Arrogance go down to Failure after all that shit they talked. Drugs taking down Family was no surprise with their high-flying, reckless style of play– happens all the time– and it presents a great Elite 8 matchup of two very similar teams. Don’t be surprised to see a team quit mid-game or perhaps even a suicide at halftime when Drugs and Failure lock horns. In the WEST Bracket, I don’t think anyone was shocked by the end of Dreams’ run, especially to a stalwart opponent like Disappointment. Virtue put up a valiant effort, but in the end Awkardness edged them out when they Tweeted  a photo of Virtue’s head coach Tad Smalls sucking on a weiner in a rest-stop bathroom at halftime. Mission accomplished, Awkwardness, mission accomplished. Don’t be surprised to see a lot of turnovers, sulking, and in-game arguments between teammates when they face Disappointment tomorrow.

In the EAST Bracket, I think we’ve all loved watching Hope’s team of scrappy, undersized Latino men battle their way past Racism and Patriotism with offensive rebounds and timely assists, but it’s all coming to an end tonight when Fear stomps the living shit out of them with their roster of 6’11” angry black men. Sadness and Pornography will be squaring off on HBO after Pornography’s X-rated performance against Imagination last week shocked families nationwide. The SOUTHEAST is by far the toughest bracket, and I’ve gotta say I’m kinda bummed to know that either Alcoholism or Anger will be knocked out tonight. Either team could’ve won the whole thing. Look for a couple ejections, some technical fouls and more vomit than a frat party. Happiness plays with a fun, jaunty style and the fact that their entire starting lineup is white has really gotten America excited, but if you’ve got even a dollar, bet it on Inevitable Death tonight. Is anyone beating these guys? I seriously doubt it. MAYBE Drugs could edge them in the Final Four if they go on a serious bender, but I just don’t see how you stop Player of the Year candidate Dark Angel Malone and his 55 points (and one murder) per game. Check back in for more highlights on Sunday night!!!!!!!!!!”

On Dancing

21 Feb

In case you were wondering:

“A lot of guys will try to tell you that dancing is gay. I’m here to tell you they’re wrong. You know who loves dancing? Girls love dancing. And girls have soft and wet parts that make life worth living. So stop being a closet homophobe get your ass out on the dancefloor where the ladies are. Have a couple go-to moves to reel them in, and then just smash your boner against them to the beat of the song until their friends drag them away. It’s not that complicated, friend.”

Sounds about right to me. The banner on this site features a famous pants-off/dance-off on a rooftop. Photo courtesy of my brother’s amazing drinking problem and the friends that support him.

Home Is Where the Heart Is…

13 Jan

All I know is, I would watch this:

“I was just thinking with a friend of mine (named Snake, incidentally) and we came up with a great new reality show idea. An open talent contest for homeless people. And we call it… DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH. Think about it motherfucker! It’s American Idol, but with homeless people! Crazy talents will be on display, from sweet voices like Ted Williams to the girl who can stay up for eight nights straight and never stop crying! Some people will be trying to get homeless just to be on it, I bet! Judged by three former homeless people who made good– Dennis Rodman, Jim Cramer, and J.K. Rowling– and hosted by none other than the great master of ceremonies himself, Biz Markie, Diamond in the Rough will have people laughing and crying, and talking and then laughing again, and then sometimes just sharing a knowing glance! And guess what you win at the end? A home you fucking idiot! What did you think it would be, booze? You’re ridiculous. Posse out!”

I looked it up, and JK Rowling was never homeless, but if he’s looking for a female host that was, may I suggest Halle Berry…

He's got the spirit already.

Teach Me How To…

10 Jan

I guess I need to finally learn The Dougie:

“Seems like everyone is doing this “Dougie” dance, so you probably oughta learn it. When I was a kid, a Dougie was when you took girls into a hollowed out barrel and made them give you titty twisters while you drank lemonade. Not sure what the dance is, but it seems weird.”

Right, the dance is what sounds weird. Totally.

He's so hip

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