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Personality Test

18 Sep

Simple and easy. Try it!

“If you’re wondering whether or not you have serious emotional problems, try this simple and easy test: Hop on YouTube and play the song “Out of My Head” by Fastball. Did you start crying? Then you have serious emotional problems! If not, you’re fine. Maybe write something homophobic in the comments section and have a great day!”

Here’s the song. And you probably shouldn’t write something homophobic in the comments section:


New Workout Plan

13 Sep

Many recall his famous “Workout Plan From Hell” and the dozens of other weird emails about working out (look to your right at the bottom), but this is his new “plan”…

“Got a new workout plan– I skip the elevator and walk down the steps, all the way outside, where I smoke a cigarette while pacing. It’s important to pace. If I see someone I know, I try to rope them into an argument about the topic of their choice. That really gets my heart rate going, which is important. Then I do 25 pushups (sometimes while they’re talking) and run (don’t walk) back into the building and back up the steps, stopping at my secretary Sanda’s desk, where I pick her up and do 10 “Sandra Squats.” I make a joke about how she “keeps getting heavier,” and then I slam my door, pour a little whiskey into my coffee cup, and sob uncontrollably for fifteen straight minutes, which helps to shed water weight. Then it’s back out to Sandra, but this time I just brush her hair– the COOL DOWN.”

Good to learn who Sandra is because that was a mystery the other day. Here’s the original plan:


29 Aug

He’s just like us!

“Sometimes when I get real lonely I call every girl in my phone book, and the first one who answers get the prize of having really mediocre, drunk sex with me. And if I’m lucky they’ll let me cry afterwards and not TWEET ABOUT IT BECKY STEVENS YOU BITCH!”

Becky why did you do that?


2 Aug

He’s made ’em…

“A lot of people know me as a cool dude, a lady killer, and the guy who cries really loud sometimes next door. But what a lot of people forget is that I’m also the owner of FOUR fantasy football teams.”

Somebody’s Crying

30 May

And I’m guessing it was him…

“I used to hate it when I saw dudes wearing sunglasses at night. But then I realized, they’ve probably just been crying all day and their eyes are all puffy. I know that’s what I do!”

I would cry too if I was hanging out with the chick on the right.

“The Best Beer Ever”

8 May

And how to “make it”…

“Just had the best beer of my life. Here’s how you make it: Take two Dos Equis bottles and put them in the freezer. Forget that you did that because you’re high as shit on three bong hits and two valiums. Come home from work early 24 hours later because your Grandma died again and you can’t handle the pressure of work with all these troubles on your mind. Open the freezer to get some ice cream for your afternoon cry and remember the beers. Open them both and wait until the ice flows upward and out, not unlike a Push-Pop, Ring-pop, or dog’s lipstick boner. Pour the remaining beer into a glass. Two beers make one, and you’ve got yourself the best beer ever. You’re welcome.”

“Even I didn’t know about that recipe.”

Watch Yourself

16 Apr

and watch who you believe…

“Yesterday my buddy claimed he could drink 24 Rolling Rocks without puking, and eager to see someone proven to be a liar (which is incidentally why I always hold a mirror up to my face while arguing with a woman), I called his bluff. But he wasn’t lying. The fucker drank all 24 of those green meanies and didn’t even gag. But what he left out was that he is COMPLETELY UNABLE to drink 24 Rolling Rocks without talking about his ex-girlfriend for beers 14-18, crying uncontrollably for beers 19-23, and calling the cops on himself after the 24th. Bummer dude!”

Don't be a baby about it!

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