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Don’t Limit Yourself

13 Dec

to laws and rules..

“I hate it when someone says “So and So’s blood-alcohol content was TWICE the legal limit when he was arrested.” Dude, the legal limit is for pussies. I blow a .08 with my snores. Talk to me when you cross into the 40th percentile.”

C'mon at least try to talk! You're only at .39!

C’mon at least try to talk! You’re only at .39!


He Got Jury Duty

16 Mar

And he’s not happy about it, or America…

“Had to go into jury duty today. If these are the people who decide court cases, God save us all. The guy next to me just told his pet squirrel to be quiet. And honestly, the squirrel is totally behaving, so this dude is clearly NUTS. Boom! Level 10 joke!”

I’m really happy he achieved level 10. 


One Bad Question

9 Feb

He’s been going through some genuine bullshit the last couple of days which is why I haven’t been posting as much. He sent this a little earlier today:

“Anytime a question begins with the phrase “Tell me about…” you’re in a shitty situation. A bad date (“Tell me about yourself”), a stupid-ass job interview (“Tell me about your best qualities”), in a police interview room or on the witness stand in court (“Tell me about the night in question”). If someone ever asks you that, run. And if you can’t run because your hands are cuffed to the table, KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT and call me.”

So there you have it. 

The Great Prognosticator

4 Jan

He sent this list of his “Top Ten Predictions for 2012” so I added some pictures to it. I’m really bored. Click on this little guy for fun:

2012 top ten

A Helpful Sexual Reminder

23 May

From an amazing creep…

“Remember to kill Dad… and remember to read the fine print here my friend–

16’s fair game for you still! You’re welcome!”

I don’t know whether or not be excited or worried that he’s looking shit like this up. 

A Treatise on Hallucinating

11 May

No other way to describe it. I told him I was thinking of tripping w a friend after finals and he got all excited and said he would email me something. Back to the books for me…

College is the only time in life that people really, truly enjoy hallucinating. You’re too young to have your trip ruined by all the troubles and pressures of the real world, and just old enough to have truly mind-expanding, deep thoughts, so take advantage of this small window and accept that weird guy on your hall’s offer to “trip balls” with him this weekend in the woods. But don’t take acid. Acid is too often cut with other, speedier drugs and sometimes, gulp… rat poison, no joke. Acid is also often made by people who legitimately think Pantera is a good band. These people are bad, and wrong. The last time I ate acid I ended up crying in a Steak-N-Shake in Indianapolis because my chili bowl was full of maggots and my teeth were bleeding. Oh God how I wish that was a lie. Instead of acid, try mushrooms or mescaline, a much smoother, calmer way to completely (temporarily) lose your mind. Once you’re on the horse, remember this most important bit of advice: Nothing is as serious as it seems, and you WILL feel normal again, eventually. I once called the cops on myself because I couldn’t get the VCR to work and thought the bookshelves were screaming at me as a result. I learned that not only was that incorrect, but also that NO ONE needs to watch the movie Krull that badly. And PS, you can also always drink your way back to sanity if things get to be too much for you.

 Now, if you’re really taking it to the limit and doing the amount of drugs you probably should be in order to have an awesome time, there will inevitably be a few moments where you’re paranoid enough about reality to need to hide in a closet and cry. But don’t worry– you’re not alone! This happens to the best of ‘em, myself included. Heck, at one point in my life (I call it “All of 2001”) I truly believed that the government had implanted microphones in the ears and cameras in the eyes of all the squirrels on my campus. I called them BABY LINKIES, an acronym that’s far too complicated for me to explain to you right now. Do you have a week? I mean… Despite the ample evidence I presented at a Supreme Court Trial (drawing attached) including dozens of witnesses, cats who could read the newspaper, etc., it turned out that I was just really high and confused. Oh well! 

So be careful, and seriously, call me if you need anything while you’re tripping. I can probably help, and you can totally put me on speaker and I’ll make weird funny noises. Good luck!”

His Steak & Shake acid trip was mentioned once before:

This was the drawing he attached:

Is it me or is he getting progressively weirder?

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