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Don’t Limit Yourself

13 Dec

to laws and rules..

“I hate it when someone says “So and So’s blood-alcohol content was TWICE the legal limit when he was arrested.” Dude, the legal limit is for pussies. I blow a .08 with my snores. Talk to me when you cross into the 40th percentile.”

C'mon at least try to talk! You're only at .39!

C’mon at least try to talk! You’re only at .39!

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You Better Recognize

26 Sep

Or else something ridiculous will happen to you…

“If you’re ever in a cafe (kill yourself) and you think you recognize an Asian woman sitting by herself from some porn you watched recently, don’t go up to her and say that to her, even if the only reason you’re in the cafe in the first place is that you haven’t slept in three days and you’re pretty sure special agents are following you and you figure this is perhaps your last chance to pay your respects to a great porn actress. Because what might happen is that you were wrong, and that where you really recognize her from is the time you fucked her so hard in 2010 that her Dad had to come over and play her favorite piano quintet to wake her up, and that she’ll throw her stupid-ass mocha chubby girl drink all over your HANDSOME face. And then there you are, embarrassed at a Coffee Bean, again.”

I don’t really consider Coffee Beans to be cafes, but whatever floats his boat…

“One day, a man will love me for me…”

“The Funny Thing About Teenagers”

2 Jul

is this…

“The funny thing about teenagers is that they have no idea that when they mean-mug me when I’m walking down the street that I will, if I feel like it, smack their dumb teenage bodies down to the ground and just lay on top of them while digging my elbows into their dumb teenage heads until they ask for forgiveness. They have no idea. So I just do a lil “What’s up” head nod and move about my business, because I don’t want to have to be in court explaining why I was hard when the officers showed up. No one wants that.”

And I don’t want to know why either…

Read Between The Lines

7 Mar

As a complete liar, he’s a master of it…

“Watched that Peyton Manning/Jim Irsay press conference today and something struck me. First of all, is it just me or is that fat idiot ALWAYS HAMMERED? Supposedly he’s sober, so I guess when you’re sober your face is always beet red and you slur your words. Anyway, they both said it “wasn’t about the money.” Lemme tell you something. If someone EVER says it’s “not about the money,” it’s ONLY ABOUT THE MONEY. In fact, pretty much every time someone says anything’s “not” about something, it is.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” It’s you.

“It’s nothing, I’m fine.” She’s pissed as FUCK.

“Those are not my drugs, officer.” Those are totally my drugs and I love them can I please keep them?

“I know I’m not the father.” I’m freaking out because me and that idiot NEVER used a condom and my sperm is made of magical dreams and rocket fueled delicious candy.

So just remember that the next time someone tries to BS you. It is, what it is.” 

This country is weird.

Let’s Go Crazy

29 Feb

Apparently anything goes today…

“Guess what motherfucker? It’s a Leap Year day today! And you know what that means– anything goes!!!!!! You see, Leap Year days aren’t real days, so you can literally do whatever the fuck you want and there will be ZERO CONSEQUENCES! Go ahead, call 911– no one’s going to answer. Cops aren’t even allowed to work today! Last February 29th, in 2008, I spent the entire day having sex with animals and smoking crystal meth. So I advise that you take this opportunity to do all the wacky stuff you can’t normally do– skip class, walk around without pants on, shoplift, talk to minorities, etc. I think since I got my animal fucking out of the way last time, I’m gonna take it easy this year and just do some check fraud or public urination. Keep me posted on your progress today!”

I will take him up on the class skipping, but nothing else. 

Morning Meltdown

28 Feb

He’s mention this “invention” to me before, but not with such detail…

“Woke up this morning with such a raging boner that it was literally IMPOSSIBLE for me to urinate the normal way. I spent a few minutes kicking myself for not inventing my buddy Mike’s idea– the “Morning Wood Urination Station” – which of course is just a pull up bar with feet straps that hangs you upside down over the toilet so you can pee properly. Because I didn’t have the guts or the time to invent such a complicated piece of machinery, and with RAGING boner in such a dire situation, I did the only thing I could. I knocked on my neighbor across the hall’s door and asked her if I could start peeing from her apartment. The process would be simple. Since my toilet is 25 feet directly centered in front of my front door, and her’s is directly across from that, I would begin urinating from inside her apartment and then “walk my boner in” towards my own toilet as the power of the urine began to make it wilt. But for some reason, she couldn’t wrap her pretty little head around that idea, and now supposedly “the cops are coming you freak!!!” or so she says. Another day another lawsuit, that’s what I always say.”

That’s what he always says…

Creepy and funny, just like him!

One Bad Question

9 Feb

He’s been going through some genuine bullshit the last couple of days which is why I haven’t been posting as much. He sent this a little earlier today:

“Anytime a question begins with the phrase “Tell me about…” you’re in a shitty situation. A bad date (“Tell me about yourself”), a stupid-ass job interview (“Tell me about your best qualities”), in a police interview room or on the witness stand in court (“Tell me about the night in question”). If someone ever asks you that, run. And if you can’t run because your hands are cuffed to the table, KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT and call me.”

So there you have it. 

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