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The Meaning Of Confidence

7 Dec

According to him:

“How is it that I know I could fuck every girl in the World? Because I know that I can. Same reason I know I’ll win every fistfight I get in. Do I get rejected sometimes? Hell yes. Do I get my ass kicked sometimes? You bet. Do I wake up in someone else’s kitchen wearing the top half of a tuxedo with a toothbrush jammed up my ass sometimes? Maybe– mind your own business! And on that note, never go to the Annual Marina Del Ray Dentist’s Ball.”

Got it. Avoid that party, fuck chicks, win fights. 

Oh no...

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ESPN Made Him Cry Again

14 Jul

which should surprise no one…

“Well, fucking stupid-ass God damn ESPN made me cry again. Fucking Arthur Ashe Award. Gimme a break. Fucking wrongly imprisoned guy and his God damn awesome beautiful fucking piece of shit story. What the fuck. Okay, I’m better now. One thing to glean (look it up dude do you really not know what glean means? Jesus.) from all this is his quote from Cus D’Amato: “The hero and the coward feel the same thing.” Think about that the next time some hot chick makes you nervous. That feeling of unrest, of doubt and fucking flaw bullshit? It’s just that, fucking bullshit. Tell her how awesome you are. Tell her you’re a hero. I did that once when I broke my hand fighting– told every girl who would listen that I saved a baby in a fire. Retarded story that involved the baby literally bouncing down the steps and me remembering my baseball career and fielding her like a grounder. Completely, utterly, unbelievable. And you know what? 64% of them believed it. And 90% of that 64% had sex with me and my broken fake-hero hand. God Bless America!!!!!!!!” 

His sudden patriotism is the stuff of legends. New category of Heroism too! I will try to find a link to the story he’s talking about. 

Confidence Boost Part Two

7 Jul

His response, which not surprisingly is very very weird:

“You don’t make any sense! “Why do girls just want to be friends with me??? Waaaaaaaaaah!” Stop crying like a woman and start fucking them. Be confident for God’s sake and hit on every pretty girl you see. Sure, some will slap you, some will laugh, some will whisper to each other then walk away, but then again my friend… some will say yes. One in forty-three I’d say. Here’s what you’ve got going in your favor. You’re not half bad looking. There’s something about you- it’s not like you’re a model or anything, but there’s something there. If I were a gay dude I would make eyes at you from across the gay bar until you came over and then I’d be like “Can I buy you a drink?” and you’d be like “I guess” and then I’d get you a double cuz I’d be a sneaky gay guy, and we’d dance a bit and kinda start kissing on the dance floor and then I’d be like “Wanna sweat out this alcohol at my place?” and you’d laugh and be like “We just met!” but then fifteen minutes later we’d be in chocolate city together. I’m not gay, I’m just saying that you’re not half bad looking. I mean, if you wanted you could read a book like “The Game” or take some confidence course at the Y with the other rape victims to make yourself feel better or maybe learn some tricks. But that would be a waste of time and money. Instead just start listening to me a little more carefully, grab your balls in your hand and say FUCK IT. I’M GONNA GET LAID.”

Did that whole gay bar thing go on a little too long for everyone else too? Uncomfortable. I was waiting for a classic “no homo” but it never came. Curious…

Confidence Boost

7 Jul

I’ve been complaining to him about girls (among lots of other things I guess) so he sent this today:

“Buddy. How many times do I have to fucking tell you that it’s so much simpler than you’re making it? Clearly, a thousand. Stop over-thinking this shit. Women are smiley buckets of rainbow feathers and dreams, not complicated machinery to be tinkered with and thought over. Just pick them up and carry them around, and when you’re finished, dump the bucket out in the sewer and run away laughing. It’s not hard.” 

I told him that made absolutely no sense and asked him to elaborate. Waiting on a response. 

Love Google Images. I typed "dream buckets"

Updating The Fistfight List

29 May

For those of you playing at home…

“I was really drunk last night (surprise!) And White Men Can’t Jump was on TV. Well guess what, America? That shit’s going on the Fistfight List. Here is an updated version for your records:

Things I Will Punch You in the Face For if You Don’t Like them

Scripted TV: THE WIRE

Reality TV: JERSEY SHORE

Music: OLD RAP

Movies: WHITE MEN CAN’T JUMP

Book Learning: KURT VONNEGUT

I think that’s about it for now. As far as art goes I know what I like but I’m not sure who makes it. Go to a BBQ today and piss your pants in front of everyone. Ladies find that shit hilarious and also arousing because it shows how confident you are about your sexuality.”

My Dad is BBQing right now. Should I do it? It feels right. 

Love Letters

26 Apr

With last night’s “cameras” email and now this scanned letter he sent to like ten people, I fear he’s off the deep end like never before…

“Gay people– Wanted to get your thoughts on this letter before I give it to the new girl at my office. Too much? Too little? Any feedback would be appreciated.” 

Pretty sure our grandpa never said that.

Picture This

6 Apr

Great suggestion. Can’t wait to waste my time on it and impress everyone next year…

“Having photos of yourself awkwardly posed next to B-List celebrities is a great way to remind people that you’re better than them. That’s why I think that you should get your ass on photoshop and start plugging yourself into some pics. Put them up all over your frat house room next year and when someone asks about them, feign nonchalance. And God damnit if you don’t know what that means we’re wasting a lot of money on your education. Suggestions: Katie Holmes, Mario Lopez, Lindsay®, Hillary Duff, Gerard Butler, the list goes on and on. Remember, lighting is incredibly important for a good Photoshop job, or so says Takahashi my Asian co-worker. And when people ask, say something like “I dunno, we used to date” even if it’s a guy.  And then go back to your video game and let the silence fucking tear their brain apart with jealousy!”

So should I take down my abs photo then?

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