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Sex And Sleep

30 Nov

They seem unrelated, and they probably are. But not if you’re insane:

“Sometimes I wake up in the morning and there’s all sorts of pornographic pictures of women on my desktop and I’m all like “Whaaaaat?!” And then I remember that I was masturbating really late at night and I fell asleep. And that, my friend, is how computers get viruses. Wrap it up!” 

Gross. 

Another reason to not get a cat.

A Treatise On People And Bags

23 Sep

That explains it. He sent this pic and email last night:

The sign makes it seem like the bags were made of poison.

“Congratulations, annoying white people. You did it! You got rid of plastic bags! But here’s something you forgot– I need plastic bags. I need them to carry my fucking groceries. My cigs, my beer, my frozen buffalo wings and my Trainwreck® brand condoms. And you went and fucked that up, thinking I would buy some ugly canvas grocery bag and carry it around with me like someone who believes that Welfare is a good idea. Now I’m annoyed. And when I get annoyed I smash stuff. So congratulations, annoying white people. YOU’VE AWOKEN THE SMASHER!!!!!!!”

I’ve never heard of this “Smasher” character but I guess people should be aware that he’s coming so… here you go. I’ve also never heard of Trainwreck condoms and I don’t know how he gets that R on there either but its funny. 

New Video!!!

19 Mar

On last Saturday night in Vegas with my brother and his friends, some very crazy shit occurred. Most notably, an argument between my brother and a hooker he’d hired for his friend. I’ve been working on this on and off since I got back, using my drunken memory of the moment and texts from my brother for his recollection of how it went down, and here it is…

He Mailed Me Condoms

9 Mar

100 of them. I called and he didn’t answer. I texted and he wrote back:

Of course I did asshole! I ordered the Spring Break package. You will need most of them this weekend no homo.”

I appreciate it and all, since buying condoms is annoying and awkward, but it’s also just weird as fuck to get condoms from your brother. 

They are Durex "Love" brand.

Protect Yourself

18 Feb

Good advice?

“Condoms: They’re not just for gays and minorities anymore. Bring a condom with you every time you go out. Shit, bring two. The best sex always happens twice. Put condoms in all your jeans, shorts, jean shorts, short jeans, backpacks, knapsacks, totes… in fact, leave some in various bathrooms around campus and under rocks near places that look sexy. My sophomore year fucked a girl in the bathroom at the library, and once she got over the fact that I had a condom hidden in the soap dispenser, it was rad!”

Wrap it up!

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