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Changing Your Image

17 Aug

It’s important, but probably best to make sure people understand the change. Especially idiots like my brother, who sent this commercial and email:

“I love that Wendy’s is rebranding themselves, and this new skinny Wendy is kinda hot, but why does she call her pussy a “Baconator?””



Boom Boom

23 Jun

I hope this is true but I’m 100% positive it’s not:

“I’m hanging out with the kid from the Mazda commercials who says “Zoom Zoom!” tonight. Except he’s not a kid anymore. He’s an 18 year old cocaine addict who hangs out with smoking hot Latina chicks. Bout to ride them slopes, playa!” 

Smoking hot Latina chicks bro!


Technical Difficulties

21 Dec

At home and with him. I guess its 1996 here because the “Internet was down” almost the whole day yesterday. I don’t update this thing by phone because it’s too annoying. And he didn’t come like he said, sending this email instead:

“Gonna be a day or so later than I thought, sorry. I was in a sports bar and that annoying Subway commercial where the office workers talk in baby voices came on. You know, the one where the girl gets her deli meat AND her heart stolen at the same time????!?!?!?!?! Anyway, when I woke up from my black out, I had killed everyone in the bar. So once again, I’m on the lam.”

Nothing annoying about this chick.


Dangerous Boners

13 Dec

Best title ever? I think so. Let him explain…

“Have you seen that new Cialis commercial where the guy is grilling and it starts raining so he kisses his wife and then it’s bone time? Hope not, because if you’re watching TV in a frat house instead of watching a girl work out her daddy issues on a dirty couch, you joined the wrong fraternity. Anyway, the dude grabs his wife and starts kissing her, and then the sun comes out and a ferris wheel appears out of nowhere (Praise Tebow!), so they leave the grill on and go bang it out. Um, hello???? Your fucking grill is still on, dumbass!!! Have fun when you get back from smashing that old tackle box on the pier and find out that your damn house burnt down! Best case scenario is you burned all that good meat– and PS, why were you cooking so much meat? There’s only two of you idiots! I’ll never understand white people. Good luck on your finals.”


His Own Commercial

10 Jul

He sent this as a sign of his day’s progress and probably to brag about the awesome weather:

“You’re welcome, Miller Light.”

Looks like fun.

Hero’s Homecoming

27 Jun

It’s nice to know that I’m important enough in his life to be potentially sacrificed…

“Over the weekend I cried for the 25th time to that damn Budweiser soldier homecoming commercial with the Dan Auerbach song. That older brother looks like he had a lot of fun planning the surprise party for his kid brother soldier. Point is, I think you should join the Army and get your fight on. Pretty sure we’ve got like 3-4 things brewing right now, so you should be able to plug yourself right into the conflict somewhere. Don’t be scared, instead– take the same attitude that I do whenever I fight someone outside a bar. The reason I’m so tough to beat up is that I LIKE GETTING MY ASS KICKED. Think of bullets the way I do punches, and embrace their inherent danger. You’ll get yourself shot right out of combat, and then when you come home, I’ll have a whole awesome surprise party planned for you, full of hot chicks and one smiling black man in the background (so the client is happy). I’ll come up with somewhere way cooler than a barn, like maybe an old department store or a half-burnt-down church. You’ll wheel yourself in (no legs on account of the mortar blast) and not understand much of anything going on (mortar blast) but trust me bro, it’s gonna kick ass.”

Not much of a surprise party, other than the fact that it sounds like I’m going to be retarded in the future. I can’t imbed the commercial for some weird reason, but I’m sure you’ve all seen it.

Why can't I be upright like this guy?

The Coors Light Bar Exam – A Dissection

26 May

We watched this at the same time I think, right after the game…

“So let me get this new Coors Light commercial straight. His girlfriend calls him (we know she’s the gf because she calls him “honey”) and asks if they’re “still on” for dinner, implying a previous agreement on a dinner that night. He says “Honey, did you forget? I have the bar exam tonight.” Not “I have to study for…” No. “I have.” So he agreed to have dinner with her on a night he (obviously) knew he had the bar exam. Okay. Then she acquiesces (do you not know what that means you fucking piece of shit? It means gives in, allows, etc. Fuck.) to his lie and tells him good luck or some shit, and they hang up. So, his girlfriend, who presumably he lives with, FORGOT that he had the bar exam that night (really, at night??) and thought they were going out to dinner together. This already makes no sense.

Then the douche leans over to the bartender from every TV and commercial ever made, Logjam McMurtry, and proceeds to take the “bar exam.” But it’s not a test for potential lawyers, it’s a coldness level assessment test, and there are only two levels, so a fucking monkey could distinguish them using a keyboard, let alone some fuck-face in a Coors Light commercial. His beer is now “super cold!” After the product shot we cut back to the bar where two girls, who by the way are VERY far away from the bar and could not have possibly heard his phone conversation, say to him “So you’re a lawyer?” to which he replies, “Huh? No!” and then walks away. And the ONLY REASON he walks away is that I wasn’t in the bar that day. Because if I was, I would’ve stomped his fucking face in. Fuck Coors Light. And fuck you too.” 

As usual, he’s right. Maybe except for the fuck me too part. 

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