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Don’t Make Him

9 May

I think I pissed him off:

“I only drink two things: Coffee and Alcohol. I only smoke two things: Cigarettes and Weed. I only shoot two things: Hoops and Clay Pigeons. Don’t make me add a third, bitch.”

This shit ain't funny!

This shit ain’t funny!


You Better Recognize

26 Sep

Or else something ridiculous will happen to you…

“If you’re ever in a cafe (kill yourself) and you think you recognize an Asian woman sitting by herself from some porn you watched recently, don’t go up to her and say that to her, even if the only reason you’re in the cafe in the first place is that you haven’t slept in three days and you’re pretty sure special agents are following you and you figure this is perhaps your last chance to pay your respects to a great porn actress. Because what might happen is that you were wrong, and that where you really recognize her from is the time you fucked her so hard in 2010 that her Dad had to come over and play her favorite piano quintet to wake her up, and that she’ll throw her stupid-ass mocha chubby girl drink all over your HANDSOME face. And then there you are, embarrassed at a Coffee Bean, again.”

I don’t really consider Coffee Beans to be cafes, but whatever floats his boat…

“One day, a man will love me for me…”

“Sometimes You Don’t Need Instagram”

21 Aug

Let him tell it…

“Sometimes bro, you don’t need Instagram. You just need to be in the right awesome place, at the right awesome time. After this band finished playing I had sex with all of their guitars. It was the only RESPECTFUL thing to do. So the next time some hippy sends you a picture of a normal-ass tree that they cropped six times and then put a sepia filter on and then made into a cup of fair trade coffee in the shape of Chairman Mao, tell them you’re all good, you take pictures of bands rocking people’s dicks off all on your own.”

I don’t know how you tell someone that on Instagram, but I’ll try. This is the “awesome place” photo he’s referring to:

Just looks blurry to me.


Win Some, Lose Some

17 Jul

And sometimes you wonder if someone’s insane…

“Some days I’m all like, “Hey fifteen year old self– Don’t do all that acid you’re about to do. It’ll make you cuckoo when you’re older!” But then the lady in line at Starbucks next me is usually all like, “What?” and then I just go back to whistling. Nothing to see here, folks. Just a human wearing clothes, standing in a row waiting for some of that brown liquid we all enjoy so much! I’m not crying. I’m sweating. You’re the one who’s crying!” 

Stairway to Hell

Coffee Confusion

12 Jan

Who starts school on a Thursday? I do I guess. And its just as lame as I remember it from a few weeks ago! Meanwhile, on Jupiter…

“Today at Starbucks, the black barista smiled at me and said “Back again, huh?” But I hadn’t been to that particular ‘Bucks in months. Who did this dude have me confused with? I don’t look like the average crackerjack. I look fucking sick-nasty-amazing! But then I remembered- ALL WHITE PEOPLE LOOK THE SAME TO BLACK PEOPLE. And I felt better.” 

Looking for a funny picture, I plugged his caps sentence into Google and found this 15 minutes of fun reading:

And then I found this photo, and everything in the world got even funnier:

I already have one assignment, but instead I'm finding photos like this...

Never Wake Up

11 Dec

It’s not just his advice to me…

“Hey homeless guy drinking coffee– what are you doing? Go back to sleep dude!”

Finals all week. I will be drinking a lot of coffee and trying to post when I can. 

He's Googling "What to do with a dead dog"

“Dear Wacky Starbucks Guy”

9 Nov

Another open letter:

“Dear Wacky Starbucks Guy,

Boy you really had us rolling this morning. All of us, rushing to work, not yet having the benefit of nine shots of espresso like you had, not wanting to speak to anyone or even make eye contact. When you called that guy “Bossman” in front of me? Classic. And when you refused to write my name on the cup, going with “Frank” instead? It took all I had to not piss my pants! Your unbridled energy and inability to process even a single transaction without a barrage of 1985’s best jokes makes you a King among men. And that ponytail? Those jail tattoos? Friend, can I have the number to your stylist please? I’m dying here. When my total was $5.80 this morning and I gave you a $10 and a $1 so I could get a $5 back? It was cute as fuck how confused you got as you gingerly slid the $1 back my way and handed me four more for my change. I get it. You thought I paid too much! You’re a gas! Can you do me a favor though? Don’t ever fucking change. No matter what society tells you. You, my friend, are a one of a kind. And if you ever want to drink a hundred beers and watch the 1992 WWF Royal Rumble (Ric Flair’s finest hour) and then finger-blast each other, you know who to call. Me. Frank.”

Hmm… Gross.

At least he didn't write this on the cup.


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