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Hairy Situations

28 Jul

Guess why I haven’t put anything on the site for a bit? Our internet went out. Is that even possible any more? I called my Dad at work and he said “You don’t need it anyway.” Here’s what we missed:

“I used to date a hairdresser named Sylvane. First off, who the Hell is named Sylvane? Not Silvia. Sylvane. I’m even having a hard time typing it, that’s how stupid of a name it is. Anyfarts, this chick didn’t know much about much, but she did tell me one thing that I’ve never forgotten:

When using hair products, whatever amount you scoop or squeeze out, put ½ of it back.

A of all, that’s a fucking great hair product tip. But B and most importantly of all, it reminded me of this epic Universal Truth:

When around women in a big group setting, take whatever you’re about to say, and choke ½ of it back.

Like excess hair gel, too many words equals a sticky, crunchy mess of bullshit with women. Women love to talk in circles. If there was NASCAR for talking, there would be like 98 women and two gay dudes in there. So don’t give them the opportunity to entrap you by not saying anything. I had a buddy who might’ve said less words than women he had sex with in college. Something like 192 words to 201 girls. Fucking Albert Pujols style. Why? Silence scares the shit out of people, especially when they’re talking a lot themselves. And guys walk way too much in college, so go for the contrast and be the guy just observing everyone. Save your witty little comments and instead wait until everyone’s silent and say something semi-profound and completely mysterious like “Silence is golden and duct tape is silver, ya know?” And make sure the carpet’s clean cuz the panties are about to drop on it!!!!”

Since he sent another email last night, and because there’s too much in that email to dissect, I will just say “can’t wait” to try that. 

Wishes it was a talking race. It's not.

 

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P-P-P-P-Paranoia

11 Jul

He suffers from it, always has. But at least its in a funny way…

I hope they canceled that TV show that used to secretly film my entire life that everyone was totally in on, because MY APARTMENT IS A MESS! That would be embarrassing. Let me know, would ya? I’m trying to get laid and bitches hate dirty apartments.” 

This email allowed me to create the new category: “Cleanliness.” Thanks bro!

Screen grab from the Season 7 DVD

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