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The Party Party

22 Jul

He plans to start it. And in about 30 minutes, I’ll be joining it whether I fail this exam or not. I figure there’s reason either way:

“Good luck today, but don’t be nervous about failing. You’ll still be able to get wasted tonight, and forever, by majoring in Partying next year! Partying is a dangerous field of research, but a valuable one as well. Feel no shame to tell people next year that you’re focusing on “Gettin’ It Done,” “Blowin’ The Tops Off Shit,” or “Gang Bangin’ Life.” Sure people might scoff now, but what will they say in ten years when you’re appointed Lead Party Analyst for my Drink Tank? Huh? What will those smug fucks say then?!?!?!!!!”

A drink tank… Hmm…

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If You Need An Excuse

30 Jun

Try this extremely painful and dangerous one:

“Take a picture of yourself the next time you’re all cut up and bloody (which if you’re doing it right should be every weekend), and of the emergency room that you visit afterwards, and keep them handy on your phone. Use them for excuses for the life of your phone– for classes, tests, getting out of dates with girls because you accidentally jerked off right before it and no longer have any interest in hearing the blatherings of a woman, etc. Text the girl: “Just almost cut my finger off- have to go to hospital. Can I take a rain check?” Then throw in a winky face and it’s ALL GOOD.”

He attached this photo:

He has like a dozen photos of his injuries. Sliced hands, missing teeth, broken legs, black eyes, broken noses.

 

Word To The Wise

7 Jun

on summer school and ladies…

“If I recall correctly, Summer School dorms are kind of awesome because they’re less full, more spread out in terms of people and therefore, you can probably have your own room with a couple of lonely chicks down the hallway. People are separated from the comfort zone of the little clique they formed and forced into socializing to stave off suicide. It’s also Summer, so there’s the natural air of sex, love and magic in the air. Justin Timberlake has based the majority of his career on this principle. But remember this salient (look it up) point– Do not “make friends” with any of these women. You’re not at Summer School to make new friends. You’re at Summer School to fuck. And learn.”

Now there's a man who knows about ladies.

Summer School Tips

6 Jun

At last, something in writing:

“As I said, the teachers at Summer School don’t really give a fuck about what’s going on, so you should be able to get better grades simply due to their lack of interest in your life and absolute want to get class over with each day. Plus it’s not really that hard to beat a 1.25GPA anyway, you fucking dumb animal. But a great way to improve your shit grades is to find some teammates. Certain people have brains that are better designed for Math, and certain people’s brains are hardwired for Reading, or Problem Solving, or in the case of women: NOTHING. LITERALLY NOTHING. Take advantage of this by teaming up with people who’s strengths lie in areas of your weakness, and vice versa. You’ll find that you can help each other out immensely, and save yourself a shitload of time. For instance, is there a Japanese kid around? Try saying something like this– “What’s that, Takahashi? Math good but hate Engrish? I can help you.” And BANG! Your Math grade jumps two full letters.”

Yep. That should do it. Just talk to a local Japanese guy like a complete asshole.

Location, Location, Location

5 Jun

We talked earlier about his summer school experiences. He was there because he had been suspended the previous semester for fighting. He barely did any work and still got good grades because “teachers don’t want to be at summer school either.” It was funny. I should have recorded it. He sent this tonight:

“Meant to email you this last week. Took this photo of my TV during the last NBA Finals game in Miami. This is why you should aspire to work in either the finance or cocaine industry in Miami one day. Look at the girl in the photo. She’s hot. And guess what else? She’s a fucking USHER AT THE STADIUM!!!!! That’s how hot women in Miami are. Their fucking ushers are hot. I once went to take a piss in Miami and the janitor was in the bathroom and SHE WAS A SUPER HOT CUBAN CHICK! I fucked her in a stall and said vaya con dios afterwards. Didn’t even piss like I needed to. Boom!”

Here’s the photo he sent:

It looks like LeBron is punching her. Don't punch her LeBron she's hot!

Watch Your Files

4 Jun

We’re playing phone tag but I’ll report back on his summer school thoughts from our eventual conversation…

“Hey here’s an idea: why don’t you try getting good grades this time around???? Just kidding, no one cares about grades. A few months ago I was stealing a bunch of money from – I mean investing a bunch of money for these people and they were like “what kind of grades did you get at Harvard?” (I tell people I went to Harvard) and needless to say, I immediately put all of their important business files in my paper shredder.”

His version of “needless” to say is usually something that you would want to explain.

Summertime…

3 Jun

and the living’s hard. I emailed him about school and he’s pissed I guess…

Dude really? You fucking EMAIL me that you’re going to summer school and then don’t answer your phone? Real fucking classy dude. Dad teach you that? I want to tell you all about the glory of Summer School, like the time I wrote a paper for a class on Shakespeare about how he used the word “cut” to mean pussy or sex, just like rappers were using it at the time… and got an A+!!!!!!! Summer School is a fucking joke, and also a great time to hook up with older chicks because they don’t have their lame friends in their ear like “You’re really gonna fuck that freshman???” She is now, bitches! Call me. And PS look up “The Cut Song” by Slimm Cutta Calhoun, who incidentally I once smoked weed with in an Atlanta nightclub.”

Ladies and gentlemen, “The Cut Song”:

 

And this is from some article about old sex words:

Pretty funny

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