In case you were wondering, here’s your tipsheet:
“Dude!!!!!!! Almost forgot about Cinco de Mayo!!!! Sorry about that. You were probably waiting to find out how to celebrate. Well let me tell you. Cinco de Mayo celebrates the first time Mexicans realized you could take two cars to a destination, ending decades of backseat pileups. Just kidding! Everyone knows that Cinco de Mayo celebrates the invention of Salsa, America’s favorite condiment. Fuck– just kidding again! It’s just too easy with these people! Cinco actually celebrates Mexico’s victory over France at the Battle of Puebla, which is a little cheap because if everyone on earth celebrated every victory over the French army, the World would explode vodka all over the galaxy. Still, the 5th of May is a great day to get hammered and be accidentally racist. Celebrate in style by getting absolutely shitfaced, donning a sombrero and painting a thin curly mustache on your face. Then go out and bomb four shots of tequila in a row, unzip and zip up your jeans a hundred times in a row (really fast), and yell “Cinco de Mayo!!!!!!!!!” in a shitty Mexican accent. Sounds simple, right? It is. Now get out their and catch an STD!”
Mexicans, the French… no one is safe! Have fun everyone. I’m going to try to lose my mind. Fuck school.