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21 Sep

See what I did there? Learned from the worst…

“The best way I know how to say to someone “I’m a human!” is to stare down at my iPhone whenever a stranger passes me. Try it sometime! JOIN US!”

I typed “asshole hipster with iphone” and this was the first hit.


Damn You, Auto Correct

14 Aug

Someone should make a website about this. Oh wait…

“Was trying to email my friend “I won’t (try to fuck your sister)” and the damn iPhone changed it to “I win,” which although I do, was incorrect in this context. I erased it, and tried again, and this time it changed it to “I wiping,” so I got frustrated and moved forward with the sentence, which now reads, “I wiping my butt on her” in response to him saying “Don’t try anything with her.” Oh well. If we didn’t have iPhones, how would we all take such accurate dick pics? White people problems.” 

Oh man it just kept getting worse. Almost like someone faked it. But the Internet can’t lie so…

No Wonder…

23 Mar

I thought it was odd when I called him that it went straight to voicemail:

“iPhones act like they’re all cool and fancy, but they smash against walls during fits of rage just like Blackberries do. Back online, bitches.” 

What could have caused this, you wonder? Let’s start with “anything.” 

Keep Your Eyes Peeled

8 Mar

And you’ll be rewarded…

“A hot mom at the grocery store check-out line just reminded me that women on their bluetooth headsets have no concept of anything other than their conversation, so they forget that when they keep bending over in front of you to get stuff out of their cart, their mom-tits keep hanging out of their cute little loose shirts. Just keep that in mind– something for the old spank bank.” 

Start staring!

Updates From The Homestead

26 Dec

He goes home tomorrow, and its been a pretty funny although slightly uneventful few days. Here’s a little breakdown of some interesting happenings:

Last night at dinner he kept asking our Mom why there weren’t any jalapeno poppers being served. After the fifth time our Dad said “Will you cut it out about the poppers?!” and my brother stayed quiet for about thirty seconds and then whispered “hot cream cheese filling.”

Then when we were drinking in the basement he explained to me how he’s thinking of buying a tiger as a pet.

“I can afford it. Can you imagine? Throw a steak in his cage and watch that fucker go wild!”

And then he made tiger noises for like 30 seconds straight.

Today we went, as a family, to see The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. And spoiler alert, but there’s a lot of nudity in that movie. And also a brutal rape scene, during which my brother loudly whispered “That’s how Dad got Mom pregnant!” Later there was a fat dude that kept checking his phone, and my brother asked him loudly if he liked it. He pretended to be interested in it, like maybe he wanted to buy one, and when the guy smiled and said yes my brother said “Well then I’d put it away, because if you take it out again I’m gonna throw it through the fucking movie screen.” It was awkward after that.


Be A History Major

30 Oct

Cell phone history, that is…

“Make sure to check your phone history on weekend and other hard drinking mornings. You don’t want to be roaming around thinking everything’s cool with no knowledge of a 17 minute conversation you had at 4AM with a girl you told yourself you’d never speak to again who you’re going to see randomly later that night, ya know? And then when you find out the conversation was SOLELY about spaghetti recipes, you’ll really wish you knew that ahead of time. Make sense?”

Nope. Not at all.  

No Need To Remember

29 Sep

So long as you’re awesome…

“I literally have no clue who over half the people in my phone are. I mean NO FUCKING CLUE. Who is Antonette? She sounds like a fancy broad from another era. Who’s “Bad News Brenda?” and why did I take her number? And who on earth is “Carl DO NOT ANSWER” and why can’t I answer if he calls? Fuck that rule.

 But more importantly, think fast- what does that tell you about me? Answer: I’m awesome. Awesome people don’t care who they meet, and we certainly don’t remember them. Our memories are too full of donkey poems, high wire threesomes and alligator fistfights to remember that say, for instance, your name is Abigail and I owe you $400.”

I feel bad for Abigail. She’s never going to see that money.  

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