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On Being Good

11 Sep

or trying not to be…

“Only the good die young. I’ve been trying to O.D. or get killed in a nasty guitar accident for years to no avail, which is how I know I’m bad. Which reminds me– The song “I’m Bad” by LL Cool J kicks a ton of ass. A lot of people think that LL Cool J is just that black guy who makes the clothes they buy at Sears, but he used to be a great rapper too. Knowledge is Power.”

So just to clear that up: Only the good die young and knowledge is power. Pretty standard stuff. Here’s the song, which might be the best rap video ever:

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Old School

19 Apr

I will try my hardest to attain a copy of this, but it may just be a lie:

“Just found my 1994 hit rap single “Make That Ass Wobble Like A Floppy Disk” which features epic lines like “Girl give me Growing Pains like I’m Alan Thicke/Make me wanna write a book called “Chicken Soup for my Dick!” Still not sure how I didn’t win a Tony award for that one. You should probably record some rap music before your time’s up. Very cathartic.” 

Did you know that Leonardo Dicaprio was on Growing Pains????

“Drugs & Your Face”

11 Jan

Hoping I can turn in a chart like this when I return to school tomorrow…

“The length of time you can keep a massive drug and alcohol addiction a secret is DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL to how good looking you are. Please see the attached chart as evidence.” 

Another reason to feel bad for FUGLY people. And who knew about Brad and Angelina???

The Great Prognosticator

4 Jan

He sent this list of his “Top Ten Predictions for 2012” so I added some pictures to it. I’m really bored. Click on this little guy for fun:

2012 top ten

It’s Alive!

3 Jan

He has re-emerged from the depths of hell and sent this email to me and god knows how many other people as a manner of wishing us a Happy New Year I guess…

“Hello. You are receiving this email because I no longer have a phone. You see, I dropped it in Pauly Shore’s toilet at the beginning of what turned out to be a 36 hour ragefest at his Hollywood pad. Everyone who’s anyone was there. Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Carrot- Top, French Stewart, Shannen Doherty, all 11 of the Wayans Brothers, and Lisa Loeb– or as I now call her, “Professor Squirts-A-Lot.” Needless to say I had the best time ever, so good in fact that just a few hours ago I woke up inside of an empty whiskey barrel in Pauly’s garage. That motherfucker makes his own booze!

I can’t remember any of your phone numbers because it’s the Digital Age and we don’t have to remember anything anymore. I don’t even remember who the President is– some Indian fella, right? Jokes! Anyway, please send me your phone number again, and to all the girls on this list, please to re-send me that picture of your tits and/or No-No Area that I imagine you probably sent me at one point. Thanks in advance,

Pimperton J. Snardgrass IV”

So there you have it, folks. He’s totally fine and normal. 

"Professor Squirts-A-Lot"

Be Like Brad

10 Dec

Even though it’s going to be tough…

“Just watched Fight Club with a girl (don’t worry I made her punch me the whole time)  and Holy Moses is Brad Pitt jacked in that mofo!!! I looked up his workout plan so I could mimic it, but the big problem is that I’m not sure how I’m gonna be able to fuck Jennifer Aniston 11 times a day. I’ll keep you posted as details become more clear.”

Looks unhealthy to me. Perfect!

Mistaken Identity

2 Nov

And also a bunch of other federal charges coming soon for him…

“Everyone’s been talking about this new app “Siri” for the iPhone and how it allows you to find out where the nearest laundromat-disco-flower is to the cattle ranch you’re turning tricks at, so I decided to do the World one better last night– I kidnapped Suri, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ kid. Problem is, I keep asking her questions and she’s not really all that informative. Most of her answers involve how hungry and scared she is, and sometimes when I’m all like “Hey Suri is it going to rain today?” she just starts crying and screaming about how she wants to go home. Anyway, she fits right in my purse and I’m going to be the belle of the ball tonight at the art gallery opening I’m attending!”

"Kidnapped Suri? Hahahahaha that's hilarious. Prepare the volcano aliens to attack."

 

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