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New Rap Song

22 May

He’s got one, and you’re gonna love it*

“Just wrote a new rap song. A really, REALLY DOPE BEAT starts up. Lots of bass, some high hats, a snare, a trumpet of some sort, maybe a squirrel noise. Then I go like this:

“Yeah. Uh. Uh-huh. Yeah. Turn the bass up. Yeah. Now the treble down? Like that. Put the snare in it. Oh yeah. Now turn my headphones off. Now back on? Somebody bring a cat in here. A soft one. Now turn the treble off. Cats hate treble. Somebody call my Mom. Yeah. Now hang up. Uh-huh. Turn my mike away from me. Now back. Like that. Right there in front of my mouth. I’m gonna rap.”

Then there’s a crazy machine gun drum, and I yell:

“LET’S GO!!!”

Then the treble comes back and like ten hot black chicks start singing and everyone’s pants melt off their body and we all stare at each other’s genitalia and SHIT. GOES. OFF. 

Can you produce that song? I remember you had a computer once. Thanks!”

*If you love stuff that never starts. I will try to produce this for him in between sleeping in and eating. 

“Now turn the lights out. Yeah.”

Cat Fancy

4 May

He used to claim that was his favorite magazine. But it wasn’t!

“Is there anything more disappointing than when you see a cute girl from far away wearing those awesome tight black workout pants, but when you get closer, there’s cat hair all over the butt? Oh that’s right– you’re in college. Girls don’t have cats yet. HERE COMES THE FUTURE!!!!!!!!!!!”

The following picture deserves a caption contest. Here’s my best of ten that immediately made my head explode:

Can you imagine how awesome that free poster is? Can you??

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