Archive | Carpentry RSS feed for this section

Mr. Fix It

31 May

Tips for people with anger problems:

“They’re doing inspections on our whole apartment building tomorrow, so I had to go into evasive drunk action over the weekend to fix the three doors and one wall I’ve destroyed over the past year. How, you ask? Simple. Alcohol + Women + Unresolved Childhood Issues = ME SMASH EVERYTHING!!!!! It’s like the time I turned into the Hulk outside a bar and literally destroyed a man’s car with my fists. I cannot be stopped when angry, and physical things are like a joke to me. Walls? Hahahahahahaha! Gimme a break, walls. I will fucking punch right through you like I’m in a Quentin Tarantino movie. Anyway, if you ever need some tips on how to fix up your dorm or frathouse room or off-campus apartment, just give me a call. I should have my own TV show I’m such a good carpenter at this point. I’m all into stucco and drywall and paint and all that shit. Fuck I know how to hang doors at this point! I’m like Bob Vila, except awesome and drunk and mean.”

Just add alcohol!

%d bloggers like this: