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Just Don’t

17 Jun

Or do. I dunno anymore…

Just punched a bee out of the air. Why? Because I could. Most people can’t even swat a bee against a wall, let alone punch the honey out of one that’s MID FUCKING FLIGHT. And if you can ever do something that other people can’t, like play the piano or dunk- just do it. Just do it all the time like those rich white guys said to those poor, talented black kids in the 80’s. “Just do it fellas! Here is some equipment to do it with!” That’s a real quote from the founder of Nike’s autobiography called, “I Took All The Biscuits.” Anyway my point is, it’s important to make people feel small by demonstrating your talents in front of them and their nephews as often as possible.”

"Hahahaha I fell down!"

“Hahahaha I fell down!”


Don’t Walk Away

24 Feb

from your problems, or let them walk away from you…

 “Three days ago my feet come up to me and say, “We wanna try Meth!” and I was all like, “Do your thing, feet! Nobody’s holding you back!” Three hours ago they show up all beat to shit asking to borrow $15. And $15 is a weird amount to ask to borrow. Just say $20, it sounds more businesslike… I KNOW IT’S FOR DRUGZ FEET!” 

Looks like he has bed bugs.

Looks like he has bed bugs.

Time To See A Doctor

9 Oct

If this happens to you, don’t brag. Call 911…

“Blew my nose last night and a dead moth came out! That’s how you know you’re awesome. I’d send a pic but I took one and my iPhone 6 broke immediately.”

Sick, kid.

Trivia Question

13 Sep

He’s got one for you:

“Question: How many showers does it take to wash the shame and sadness off your body after what I just did? Answer: It’s impossible! But four showers, a bowl and three MGD’s help. Think I brought back Bed Bugs with me, PS. Bed Bugs or AIDS. Test results pending.”

Covering a lot of fun subject headings in that post. School is slightly less terrible sophomore year I think. 

On Bugs and Blood

19 Jul

and beestings and beer…

“True Fact– Mosquitos and Bees will never bite or sting you if you keep your blood full to the brim with toxins. Those little fuckers are like some straight edge nerds or something and they want nothing of it! Case in point– I punched the shit out of this hive today (I was mad at my boss) and don’t have a scratch on me. More like C’s am I right????” 

He used to claim he didn't get bit because of his "beautiful tan skin" but I guess now he says it's the drinking etc.

A Treatise on Hallucinating

11 May

No other way to describe it. I told him I was thinking of tripping w a friend after finals and he got all excited and said he would email me something. Back to the books for me…

College is the only time in life that people really, truly enjoy hallucinating. You’re too young to have your trip ruined by all the troubles and pressures of the real world, and just old enough to have truly mind-expanding, deep thoughts, so take advantage of this small window and accept that weird guy on your hall’s offer to “trip balls” with him this weekend in the woods. But don’t take acid. Acid is too often cut with other, speedier drugs and sometimes, gulp… rat poison, no joke. Acid is also often made by people who legitimately think Pantera is a good band. These people are bad, and wrong. The last time I ate acid I ended up crying in a Steak-N-Shake in Indianapolis because my chili bowl was full of maggots and my teeth were bleeding. Oh God how I wish that was a lie. Instead of acid, try mushrooms or mescaline, a much smoother, calmer way to completely (temporarily) lose your mind. Once you’re on the horse, remember this most important bit of advice: Nothing is as serious as it seems, and you WILL feel normal again, eventually. I once called the cops on myself because I couldn’t get the VCR to work and thought the bookshelves were screaming at me as a result. I learned that not only was that incorrect, but also that NO ONE needs to watch the movie Krull that badly. And PS, you can also always drink your way back to sanity if things get to be too much for you.

 Now, if you’re really taking it to the limit and doing the amount of drugs you probably should be in order to have an awesome time, there will inevitably be a few moments where you’re paranoid enough about reality to need to hide in a closet and cry. But don’t worry– you’re not alone! This happens to the best of ‘em, myself included. Heck, at one point in my life (I call it “All of 2001”) I truly believed that the government had implanted microphones in the ears and cameras in the eyes of all the squirrels on my campus. I called them BABY LINKIES, an acronym that’s far too complicated for me to explain to you right now. Do you have a week? I mean… Despite the ample evidence I presented at a Supreme Court Trial (drawing attached) including dozens of witnesses, cats who could read the newspaper, etc., it turned out that I was just really high and confused. Oh well! 

So be careful, and seriously, call me if you need anything while you’re tripping. I can probably help, and you can totally put me on speaker and I’ll make weird funny noises. Good luck!”

His Steak & Shake acid trip was mentioned once before:

This was the drawing he attached:

Is it me or is he getting progressively weirder?

Nice Try, Lady

27 Apr

Nothing’s gonna work on him today, not even the beautiful image he sent me…

“Fucking six year old ladybug tried to cheer me up. No way! Drank a beer alone behind a garage. This is a normal work day when you grow up. Shit is wack, homey! Shit is most certainly wack. Don’t major in Business. Major in Poetry and Pussy Getting. There is literally nothing more important in life than fucking.”

I like that he started that the way he ended it. “Fucking.” 

I feel like I could turn this in in a photo class next semester maybe?

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