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Don’t Be So Touchy

12 May

Strip club advice…

“When a stripper tells you “you can touch me wherever you want” she means it. The thing is, that big black bouncer over there? He’s not aware of your little “deal” with Jasmine. So when he sees you cupping her tits with one hand and a wet willy with the other, he’s gonna ask you to stop. And when your response to his request is “Don’t boss me, bro,” he’s going to physically remove you from the Happy Room. And when you then start singing “Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer AND doing the Hammer dance, he’s going to throw you out. At that point, when you start peeing on the end of the red carpet/velvet rope area, he’s going to punch you in the head. And from there, you will most likely be one hour late to work the next day. I hope that you have found this educational.”

I have. I just wish I could use it on an exam.  

I hope there's never a photo of me that's this embarrassing.


Breast Exam

11 Apr

A stirring breakdown of a female body type:

“The new receptionist at my office (I got the last one fired) has reminded me of something. “Tits On A Stick” is an actual body type, and one that should be sought after, but with caution. The moniker refers to women who’s bodies are incredibly thin, but who’s breasts are incredibly large. The reasons to be excited are many, as thin bodies are fun to toss around and big boobs are great for everything from sex to holding wallets, etc. But use caution, because many times the lack of adequate foundational body weight leaves the large breasts malnourished, making them feel like giant bags only half-filled with sand. You’ll find yourself adjusting your grip over and over, just trying to find the sweet spot where there’s actually something to squeeze, thinking about girls from high school, and eventually dumping them for Internet Porn.”

Glad to hear he got his receptionist fired.

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