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The Happiest Times

20 Mar

Sometimes they’re the least expected…

“My favorite time of night is when I wake up on the floor and get up for a glass of water from the fridge. My least favorite time is when the dude comes into the kitchen and is all like, “Hey how the fuck did you get in my house?!?!?!?!”” 

"And who are you???"

For Break-Ins And Escapes

1 Jun

This is such a supremely amazing waste of his work time that I kind of can’t believe it…

“Dude! I just realized that I’ve never told you how to get over a barbed wire fence! So sorry bro. Hope this isn’t too late–

 At some point or another in your life, you’re gonna have to get over a barbed wire fence. Did you know that barbed wire fences cover approximately 92% of the United States? They don’t, but it sure feels like it sometimes, am I right? Hopefully you’ll use these tips to break INTO somewhere, and not OUT OF, because that would mean you were in some sort of secret rape tribunal and I’d be all on the news like “Let my brother go!” with a bunch of big fat black women with me (for effect). Anyway, there are a lot of theories about what the best way to get over barbed wire is. But they’re all just that– theories. You don’t need to look for an uneven section of fence, or throw a rug over the wires (what are you Persian???) or cut through the fence with bolt cutters. It turns out that the best way to get over a barbed wire fence is the old fashioned way– Naked. Clothes often get caught on the barbs, but skin doesn’t- the barbs just slice right through it. Center your chi force energy beforehand– just kidding, get drunk– strip down (you can keep your underwear on if you don’t want your pussy to get scratched) and then just scale that bitch. One time my dick got caught in the barbs but I didn’t even notice until I started running. Because my dick is super long. Artist’s depiction attached.

 All of the other methods take too much time. This one gets you over in like ten seconds, and sure you’re bleeding, but injuries always make you tougher, and chicks love scars. Especially ones that look like you were mauled by a panther. I know what you’re thinking in your baby voice– “But my clothes would be on the other side of the fence! Waaaah!” Well, how about this– FUCK YOU YA FUCKING CRIMINAL!!!!!” 

And here it is folks: A drawing of “the time he got his dick stuck in barbed wire.” 

I guess the colorful blob is his clothes?

 

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