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Don’t Be A Tattle Tale

19 Nov

Just let the man fuck. He sent this at 2AM his time last night:

“Just got kicked out of a nightclub for having sex in the bathroom (again!) because someone decided to be a hero and tell the bouncers what me and the girl (let’s call her Sunshine) were doing in there. At least have the courtesy to just masturbate quietly until I’m done. I mean, have some respect, ya know?”



Put Your Phone Down

14 Nov


“Went to a concert tonight because FUCK MONDAYS and the whole time this Nittany Lion in front of me had his fucking phone up, recording the shit band and taking pictures and whatnot. I asked him politely to stop, and he didn’t. So then I asked him impolitely. He still didn’t. Finally, I’d had enough. “Care to live in the moment, dicksucker?!?!” I yelled, grabbing his iPhone 4Gs9,000 and smashing it into 62 pieces on the ground. “Does anyone live in the moment anymore?!?!” I cried as the bouncers carried me outside. “Does anyone know where I can score some coke?!” I screamed as I peed on the side of the building. “Are you even allowed to arrest white people?!?!” I bellowed as the policeman handcuffed me. And so on. Point is, don’t fucking film everything and take pictures of everything like you’re some reporter from the future here to collect data on “The Gay Times.” Just live it, love it, and remember it, you dipshit.” 

I support him on this because I went to a concert recently where the whole crowd was holding their phones up the whole time.

Wonder what he'd have done to the bitch with the iPad.


Don’t Be So Touchy

12 May

Strip club advice…

“When a stripper tells you “you can touch me wherever you want” she means it. The thing is, that big black bouncer over there? He’s not aware of your little “deal” with Jasmine. So when he sees you cupping her tits with one hand and a wet willy with the other, he’s gonna ask you to stop. And when your response to his request is “Don’t boss me, bro,” he’s going to physically remove you from the Happy Room. And when you then start singing “Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer AND doing the Hammer dance, he’s going to throw you out. At that point, when you start peeing on the end of the red carpet/velvet rope area, he’s going to punch you in the head. And from there, you will most likely be one hour late to work the next day. I hope that you have found this educational.”

I have. I just wish I could use it on an exam.  

I hope there's never a photo of me that's this embarrassing.

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