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He’s Writing A Book

28 Jun

Or so he says. The title and the cover look promising… He sent this last night:

“The following is an excerpt from my new book “Hey Idiot… You’re Getting Played!” It’s a guide for women but since they’re not allowed to read, hopefully their fathers or brothers will relay the info to them–

“I’ve got a friend named Bob. He’s always so excited to see me, but the problem is, we don’t see each other enough! He’s so busy, and his life is so complicated (with work and a complex emotional past, both of which he has laid out for me in great detail) that he usually only calls me or texts me late at night. If I’m still awake and not busy hanging with other friends, I always accept! Sometimes even when I’m with my other friends, I’ll invite Bob out to meet us. He’s so charming that my friends all enjoy his company too, but he usually just wants to be with me! So we leave early and go home together. We didn’t always have sex, but we do now– every time. The next morning he usually has something to do (and early), so after telling me how great I am and how fun it was to hang out with me, he leaves. We usually won’t talk for a while (sometimes weeks!) but then he’ll pop up again, fun as ever, and the cycle repeats itself. He doesn’t like to make a big deal out of our friendship, even though it means a lot to me. Heck, we’re not even friends on Facebook!

 Now the question is: Does Bob really value me and our friendship, or does Bob just really value my silky hot pussy?””

Beautiful font choice… But not as beautiful as his choice of forward writer.

On Young Writing Careers and Younger Women

14 Jun

he resurfaces…

“Sorry for my absence. I was finishing up my first novel, “The Incredibly Loud Footsteps of My Teenage Girlfriend.” In stores soon.” 

Careful out there!

Old School

19 Apr

I will try my hardest to attain a copy of this, but it may just be a lie:

“Just found my 1994 hit rap single “Make That Ass Wobble Like A Floppy Disk” which features epic lines like “Girl give me Growing Pains like I’m Alan Thicke/Make me wanna write a book called “Chicken Soup for my Dick!” Still not sure how I didn’t win a Tony award for that one. You should probably record some rap music before your time’s up. Very cathartic.” 

Did you know that Leonardo Dicaprio was on Growing Pains????

Giving Your Life A Title

25 Jan

A really really fucking weird one. That’s the key…

“You should figure out what you want your autobiography to be called and then live your life accordingly. It’s like setting a goal for your behavior to live up to. Mine is going to be called, “Pastel Days and Neon Nights” by H.Q. Humpsalot. FYI.”

Cool, good to know. 

Iceman

26 Oct

This is an amazing idea:

“So last night I was watching a college football game on a Tuesday night and working on my mystery novel “The Penis Chronicles” when I had a great idea. The coach from one team decided to “ice” the kicker in overtime by calling a timeout. As usual, it didn’t work and the kicker made it after the timeout. That’s when it hit me– This weekend, if you’re at the game and it’s close and the time comes for a pressure-filled kick, I want you to RUN ONTO THE FIELD with a Smirnoff Ice in your hand, straight up to the kicker and really “ICE” that motherfucker. Try hitting a 32 yard game winning field goal with a solid buzz on, you heavy-legged fuck! Once he chugs the Smirnoff and misses the kick– Boom– you’re the hero of your school, carried off on everyone’s shoulders and straight into a Fucking Contest with SDT (Spending Daddy’s Trillions? Sucking Dick Tonight?) where you’re up first. Aaaaaaaaaand you’re welcome.” 

I like it when his ideas could have no possible result but arrest and yet he still thinks they’re good. 

Apparently he did not invent this idea as he thinks he did.

Another Movie Idea

20 Oct

I wonder if his boss knows he’s not doing anything remotely related to his job right now…

“Hey just had a great idea for a movie– A pretty, smart, and perfectly normal girl reads an article in “You’ll Never Be Good Enough” magazine that says she’s a piece of shit because of some weird thing they made up including a colorful chart depicting her inadequacies, and she takes it REAL SERIOUSLY and kills herself. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand scene. It makes $300M and ends up turning into a book and all the ladies follow the heroine’s lead and off themselves and it’s just us fellas!

And then the murdering starts.”

He mentioned this movie to me the other day and how happy is he that “society is set up for men” haha: 

Oh I get it. The sex numbers are shaped like a heart!

Good Times To Read

13 Oct

Its never to late to start reading the classics…

“Hanging out with my neighbor at 3AM (always a bad idea) and he says to me, “I always figured I’d start reading books again when I got sober, or if I went to jail.” I instinctively agreed aloud, and then realized that it wasn’t because I was trying to make him feel better, but rather, because I literally had thought the same thing. Then I got sad, went home, drank a beer and watched SportsCenter.”

Who needs books?

 

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