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“The Gayest Thing Ever”

10 May

I’m going into a hole of studying for the next five days while I try not to fail out of school. I know a lot of people say that, but I think it’s real for me. You can’t get 3/4 F’s and stick around can you? FML. Also… should I call the police or something on him? Man he’s losing it…

“Well, I’ve finally done it. The gayest thing ever. What’s that, you ask? Well let me tell you, you impatient fuck– I sprained my MCL doing yoga. I’ve been telling people I did it playing basketball because black people play basketball and black people are tough. But it’s not true. I sprained it when I tipped over doing yoga for the first time in my life. I know what you’re thinking. I should kill myself. But let me tell you something: I didn’t kill myself when I got caught fucking a pillow by my step-dad at age 12, I didn’t kill myself when a bird pooped on my head through my sunroof while I was driving back from a Renaissance Fair in 1997, and I didn’t kill myself when I was tripping on mescaline at a Raconteurs concert, went to take a piss and found that I had a vagina instead of a penis. SO I’M NOT GONNA KILL MYSELF NOW! Like that handsome gay guy in the video said, “It gets better.” I’ll take solace in that, and in the fact that my doctor was a really cute blonde and had the sniffles so her voice was all cute and mucus-y and sexy, like a tiny little mouse with a head cold. And I’m gonna play with that mouse. Oh yes. I’m gonna love her and kiss her and caress her and squeeze her and smash her and bury her secretly and cry cry cry!!!!!!!!!! Oh God someone please shoot me!!!! Please!!!!!!!!!! I’ve gone mad!!!!

PS always tie your hospital gown loose and work up a boner before the doctor comes in. Talk about a check-up!” 

Good luck to everyone still taking exams.

"You guyyyyyyyyyyys! Don't kill yourselves! OMG!"

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His Very Own NFL Mock Draft

27 Apr
When he was a teenager he used to type up every NFL team’s roster on a typewriter. No joke. I remember I was looking at them one time (because I thought everything he did was cool, even gay stuff) and he freaked out and beat the hell out of me. I was five. Anyway, I was wondering where he was all day today, and it turns out he was wasting his work day making his Annual NFL Mock Draft. Enjoy by clicking below…

"With the first pick in the 2011 NFL Draft-- Hey is someone huffing paint in here?"

Blondes Have More Fun

12 Apr

I mentioned a girl… a blonde… and something to the effect of her being “too hot” or something similar, and he was not pleased. Not sir, not pleased at all. The following was his rebuttal of sorts:

“Get your shit together, friend. Everyone’s afraid of blondes like they’re fucking dangerous or something. Get over it. You just need to understand the psyche behind them. People say that blondes are dumb, and a fortune has been made making jokes on that middling, unintelligent note. But the truth is that blondes aren’t necessarily dumb, they’ve just been so overvalued by our society that they’ve never been forced to develop socially. Because they’re lauded and praised just for arriving at people’s homes and public events from an early age, and because they intimidate most non-blondes into near-silence, they never feel the necessity to learn social skills or, well, facts and anecdotes. It’s not so much that they’re dumb, it’s more that they’ve never had to use their brains. But a secret about blondes that the world has been afraid to admit for some time is this: Most blondes suck in bed. This obviously comes from their societal value as well, and like their brains, most of them never develop very good dance and/or sex moves. Their best dance move is called “The Hands Up Scream” and their go-to sex move is called the “Don’t You Feel Lucky to Hear Me Moan?” but they’re about as overvalued as the housing market in 2006. Now, all that being said– they look great on your arm, so go get one!”

Sometimes I purposely goad stuff out of him, and sometimes it comes naturally. As he says, you’re welcome, either way.

If you looked like this, you wouldn't open books either.

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