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How Many Times Can One Man Get Fired?

16 May

Or quit or whatever other bullshit…

“Well I quit my job today. Had to give my dipshit boss a ride to the Saab dealership because his Saab’s vulva collapsed and I take a turn real hard along the way (because fuck physics) and there was some tinkling sound and he’s like, “What’s all that noise?” and I was like “Probably just some beer bottles” and then he was all like, “Why do you have beer bottles on the floor of your car?” So I slammed on the brakes, undid his door’s child lock and asked him to get out. At first he thought maybe I was joking but once I screamed it like ten times and starting coughing a bunch he did in fact get out. “Why do I have beer bottles on the floor of my car?” Next he was probably gonna ask me why I don’t alphabetize my Blue-Rays. BECAUSE I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. That’s why. Cleaning up after your awesomeness is like if they cleaned up after a war instead of leaving all those burnt up antiques everywhere for the Armenians to steal. Know what I mean?”

FUCKING VANITY PLATES RULE!!!!!!

FUCKING VANITY PLATES RULE!!!!!!

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Hungry Like A Wolf

13 Nov

This diet is recommended for people who don’t like life:

“What’s that you ask? What am I eating for dinner tonight? Why 1/2 pound of chicken, 1/2 pound of chopped vegetables, 1/2 pound of rice and 3 Rolling Rocks, that’s what! Don’t worry, I drank the other three before I got in the shower.” 

Who the fuck drinks Rolling Rocks?

Stats

7 Jul

He keeps them, and you get to read them…

“I’ve probably only let 4 of the 968 beers explode that I put in freezers over the years. On the other hand, I’ve let all 413 relationships explode that I’ve been in. When you care about something, you take care of it.” 

Beer cauliflower

Think Before You Drink

19 Jun

And then drink. From yesterday…

“My asshole buddy just asked me why we were having a beer before we went to the gym. Why? Because NEVER. STOP. DRINKING. Also gyms are creepy as shit and if I don’t have four IPA’s first I’ll accidentally look someone in the eyes.” 

Another reason to try yoga.

Sweet Relief

11 Jun

Here’s how you can find it:

“If you want to make people uncomfortable at a party, take a REALLY long pull from you beer and say loudly to yourself, “Ahhhhh. Sweet, sweet escape hatch.” Then take a moment, as if you’re considering the fact that beer makes people tolerable and turns all your problems into hilarious anecdotes, and then act like nothing happened. And you’re welcome.” 

This photo has all of the 3 B’s: Beer, Babes and Buoyancy.

He Did It

21 May

Accomplishing a goal only dreamt of by many…

“Well, I did it. I finally fucking did it. On Friday night, I drank the most beers. On Earth. Ever. You may have been wondering where I vanished off to. Poundtown. That’s where. How long did the hangover last, you wonder? It hasn’t ended yet. I called in sick to work and I think I will again tomorrow. It’s called being mature.”

“The Best Beer Ever”

8 May

And how to “make it”…

“Just had the best beer of my life. Here’s how you make it: Take two Dos Equis bottles and put them in the freezer. Forget that you did that because you’re high as shit on three bong hits and two valiums. Come home from work early 24 hours later because your Grandma died again and you can’t handle the pressure of work with all these troubles on your mind. Open the freezer to get some ice cream for your afternoon cry and remember the beers. Open them both and wait until the ice flows upward and out, not unlike a Push-Pop, Ring-pop, or dog’s lipstick boner. Pour the remaining beer into a glass. Two beers make one, and you’ve got yourself the best beer ever. You’re welcome.”

“Even I didn’t know about that recipe.”

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