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“The Gayest Thing Ever”

10 May

I’m going into a hole of studying for the next five days while I try not to fail out of school. I know a lot of people say that, but I think it’s real for me. You can’t get 3/4 F’s and stick around can you? FML. Also… should I call the police or something on him? Man he’s losing it…

“Well, I’ve finally done it. The gayest thing ever. What’s that, you ask? Well let me tell you, you impatient fuck– I sprained my MCL doing yoga. I’ve been telling people I did it playing basketball because black people play basketball and black people are tough. But it’s not true. I sprained it when I tipped over doing yoga for the first time in my life. I know what you’re thinking. I should kill myself. But let me tell you something: I didn’t kill myself when I got caught fucking a pillow by my step-dad at age 12, I didn’t kill myself when a bird pooped on my head through my sunroof while I was driving back from a Renaissance Fair in 1997, and I didn’t kill myself when I was tripping on mescaline at a Raconteurs concert, went to take a piss and found that I had a vagina instead of a penis. SO I’M NOT GONNA KILL MYSELF NOW! Like that handsome gay guy in the video said, “It gets better.” I’ll take solace in that, and in the fact that my doctor was a really cute blonde and had the sniffles so her voice was all cute and mucus-y and sexy, like a tiny little mouse with a head cold. And I’m gonna play with that mouse. Oh yes. I’m gonna love her and kiss her and caress her and squeeze her and smash her and bury her secretly and cry cry cry!!!!!!!!!! Oh God someone please shoot me!!!! Please!!!!!!!!!! I’ve gone mad!!!!

PS always tie your hospital gown loose and work up a boner before the doctor comes in. Talk about a check-up!” 

Good luck to everyone still taking exams.

"You guyyyyyyyyyyys! Don't kill yourselves! OMG!"

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#2 Website On The Internet!

24 Mar

It’s official. According the voting process of a person on Twitter called “@therealpatjames” Bad Advice From My Brother is the #2 ranked website on the entire internet!

My brother would be proud too but he's drunk.

It was a close race but we lost out to Google as #1. I get it. I’m very proud. Thanks person!

And The Award Goes To…

26 Feb

Still annoyed that I watched some of the Grammy’s…

Hey the Oscars are tomorrow night– you gonna watch?!?!?! Fuck no! You’re gonna be giving out the award for “Best Use of a Free Hand During a Blowjob” to Betsy “Stink-Finger” Fredricks. Good luck and remember, start the music if that loudmouth’s acceptance speech gets too long!”

This gives me an idea: Maybe I should do some sort of Dorm Awards ceremony at the end of the year. Biggest Whore, Best at Video Games, Gayest, etc. 

Woops!


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