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Calculated Risks

20 Feb

He advises taking them:

“Just saw a hipster riding his bike with his arms crossed and a smug smile on his face. If the dipshit woman in the lane next to me would’ve let me get over, the guy would be dead. But alas, like all women, she was a SHIT DRIVER and therefore didn’t recognize the gravity of the situation. Even when I started blaring the song “Gravity” by John Mayer while flicking her off, she still didn’t get it. But this isn’t the point. The point is, this Twinkie-Dick probably thought some chick was going to see him smugly riding no-handed and pull over and just start sucking him off. Well guess what, friendo? Not gonna happen. So instead of getting laid for being awesome, this dude was just taking an unnecessary risk. Don’t ever do dumb risky shit like riding a bike with no hands, or mountain climbing or skydiving or talking to an Armenian. If you’re gonna take a risk, it should involve some sort of pill or powder or hand-to-hand combat, not something from the X-Games. When I was a kid, the X-Games was a sexual intercourse competition that took place in my mind involving me and every hot girl in the World, which I would always win. The medal ceremony involved Laetitia Casta giving me head while the song “I Am A Real American” blared from an El Camino parked nearby. But I digress. If you’re gonna show up to class with a bunch of scabs on your arms and face, make sure it’s because you and Penitentiary Pete got blasted on Green Goblins and fought the entire staff of a Denny’s, not because you thought it would be cool to cross your arms while riding a bike and hit a pebble and faceplanted. Seacrest out.” 

I don’t even have a bike. But here’s the chick he was talking about simply because she’s really hot: 

This chick doesn't give a fuck about the X Games.


“All’s Fair In Love And Barfights”

2 Jun

More helpful tips for people home from college:

“Now that you’re home and going out to the local bars with your fake ID, you’re probably going to get into a barfight soon. The Townies hate college-boys like you, the Yuppies hate the Townies, and the Forest People hate everyone! Bar fights in college are hilarious, but adult barfights can be scary. So remember that at a bar, everything is a weapon. For instance:

POOL CUES– A lot of people want to use these for whacking, and sure it hurts like a bitch to whacked by a pool cue, but I prefer breaking them and then stabbing with the sharp end. 

POOL BALLS– How accurate is your arm? I used to be able to throw accurately into the high 70’s, and let me tell you that’s fast enough to kill a man with a pool ball, especially the slightly heavier cue ball. That’s why I’m not allowed in Arkansas anymore!

BOTTLES– The old standby. Remember to hold the neck tight and smash swiftly and strongly against some metal. Don’t be all showy with it– just break the thing and start thrusting it at people’s necks.

CHAIRS– Leave chairs for idiots and women. They’re often so heavy and unwieldy that to try to hit someone with one is a task and a half. And if a guy ever has one over his head, just kick him straight in the balls and don’t even think twice. He had a chair for God’s sake. All’s fair in love and barfights. 

DARTS– If you’re running out of options, darts can be a fun way to enter the fray, but I like to use them as tiny stabbers rather than throwing them, mostly on account of my ex-girlfriend Blind Sally and “the accident.”   

THE GUN YOU BROUGHT– Smart thinking! Shoot once up into the ceiling. The resulting panicked run-out will reveal your real enemies (and friends)– the ones still standing. 

HOSTAGES– Hopefully you never have to take one simply to win a fight, but if you do, remember to take the prettiest girl hostage. No one wants to see her get killed, so they should back off.”

I remember being 11 and our Dad had to drive down to his school to bail him out of jail and get him a lawyer after a barfight. That kinda started their hate-fest. And in trying to find a photo for this email, I stumbled upon this amazing video:


For Break-Ins And Escapes

1 Jun

This is such a supremely amazing waste of his work time that I kind of can’t believe it…

“Dude! I just realized that I’ve never told you how to get over a barbed wire fence! So sorry bro. Hope this isn’t too late–

 At some point or another in your life, you’re gonna have to get over a barbed wire fence. Did you know that barbed wire fences cover approximately 92% of the United States? They don’t, but it sure feels like it sometimes, am I right? Hopefully you’ll use these tips to break INTO somewhere, and not OUT OF, because that would mean you were in some sort of secret rape tribunal and I’d be all on the news like “Let my brother go!” with a bunch of big fat black women with me (for effect). Anyway, there are a lot of theories about what the best way to get over barbed wire is. But they’re all just that– theories. You don’t need to look for an uneven section of fence, or throw a rug over the wires (what are you Persian???) or cut through the fence with bolt cutters. It turns out that the best way to get over a barbed wire fence is the old fashioned way– Naked. Clothes often get caught on the barbs, but skin doesn’t- the barbs just slice right through it. Center your chi force energy beforehand– just kidding, get drunk– strip down (you can keep your underwear on if you don’t want your pussy to get scratched) and then just scale that bitch. One time my dick got caught in the barbs but I didn’t even notice until I started running. Because my dick is super long. Artist’s depiction attached.

 All of the other methods take too much time. This one gets you over in like ten seconds, and sure you’re bleeding, but injuries always make you tougher, and chicks love scars. Especially ones that look like you were mauled by a panther. I know what you’re thinking in your baby voice– “But my clothes would be on the other side of the fence! Waaaah!” Well, how about this– FUCK YOU YA FUCKING CRIMINAL!!!!!” 

And here it is folks: A drawing of “the time he got his dick stuck in barbed wire.” 

I guess the colorful blob is his clothes?


Post Script

28 May

I love that this is “my plan” all of a sudden:

“PS forgot to add since your plan is to go buckwild all weekend: If you’re going to get arrested, make sure you’re wasted. You won’t give a shit!!!! Getting arrested while stoned, yacked, shmoiked, zoinkered, squanked or blown is a nightmare. Never do it.” 

Live It Up

28 May

I’m about to choose the first option. The only bright side is the potential of going to Summer School, which was brought up by my lovely mother yesterday and would get me the fuck out of here…

“Hey Dude, I know you’re probably thinking about killing yourself right now at home, and while that is a pretty great option for most people in the World, I’d like to suggest something else. Take a note from the country song “Live Like You Were Dying” which is all about drinking and risking your life over and over again while country music plays in the background and hot chicks chew on straw and spit occasionally. My personal goal for the next month or so is to somehow get one of those red laser dots from a gun in the middle of my forehead. I figure you’ve got to be doing something pretty spectacular for one of those to pop up. Try to think of something cool like that, maybe something with a bear or like a knife fight in a bowling alley? I dunno, you’re the college guy, think about it.”

Knife fight in a bowling alley sounds great.

These people are doing it.

Cat Fight

22 May

Looks like he had one…

“Check this shit out dude. Evidence of why you should never hang out with a Malaysian girl. They are fucking DANGEROUS. One minute it was “Please fuck me in the bathroom”, then it was “GROWL STAB CUT!!!”, then “Suck my pussy at the stoplight,” then she would be all “KILL DESTROY SCREAM!!!” Plus she had a speech impediment disguised as an “accent,” not unlike all Bostonians. I made her get out of my car so I could drunk drive alone. And this is why we fight all these wars, man. Non-Americans are dangerous. And PS if you notice, I took the photos while peeing- BECAUSE I’M BOSS.” 

Here are the two photos he emailed. I think he’s being dramatic. Funny but dramatic:


You can actually see the stream of urine.

A Treatise on Hallucinating

11 May

No other way to describe it. I told him I was thinking of tripping w a friend after finals and he got all excited and said he would email me something. Back to the books for me…

College is the only time in life that people really, truly enjoy hallucinating. You’re too young to have your trip ruined by all the troubles and pressures of the real world, and just old enough to have truly mind-expanding, deep thoughts, so take advantage of this small window and accept that weird guy on your hall’s offer to “trip balls” with him this weekend in the woods. But don’t take acid. Acid is too often cut with other, speedier drugs and sometimes, gulp… rat poison, no joke. Acid is also often made by people who legitimately think Pantera is a good band. These people are bad, and wrong. The last time I ate acid I ended up crying in a Steak-N-Shake in Indianapolis because my chili bowl was full of maggots and my teeth were bleeding. Oh God how I wish that was a lie. Instead of acid, try mushrooms or mescaline, a much smoother, calmer way to completely (temporarily) lose your mind. Once you’re on the horse, remember this most important bit of advice: Nothing is as serious as it seems, and you WILL feel normal again, eventually. I once called the cops on myself because I couldn’t get the VCR to work and thought the bookshelves were screaming at me as a result. I learned that not only was that incorrect, but also that NO ONE needs to watch the movie Krull that badly. And PS, you can also always drink your way back to sanity if things get to be too much for you.

 Now, if you’re really taking it to the limit and doing the amount of drugs you probably should be in order to have an awesome time, there will inevitably be a few moments where you’re paranoid enough about reality to need to hide in a closet and cry. But don’t worry– you’re not alone! This happens to the best of ‘em, myself included. Heck, at one point in my life (I call it “All of 2001”) I truly believed that the government had implanted microphones in the ears and cameras in the eyes of all the squirrels on my campus. I called them BABY LINKIES, an acronym that’s far too complicated for me to explain to you right now. Do you have a week? I mean… Despite the ample evidence I presented at a Supreme Court Trial (drawing attached) including dozens of witnesses, cats who could read the newspaper, etc., it turned out that I was just really high and confused. Oh well! 

So be careful, and seriously, call me if you need anything while you’re tripping. I can probably help, and you can totally put me on speaker and I’ll make weird funny noises. Good luck!”

His Steak & Shake acid trip was mentioned once before:

This was the drawing he attached:

Is it me or is he getting progressively weirder?

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