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Big Girls Don’t Cry

12 Apr

They give you pedicures…

“I’ve got this girl I hang out with sometimes, let’s call her Two Ton Terri (she’s not actually two tons, don’t be an asshole), and she comes over and grooms me every now and then like I’m a baby monkey. She gets rid of my hangnails, uses a pumice stone on my big toe callouses, and sometimes when we’re feeling real crazy, we eat breakfast for dinner (her idea!). You should get a girl like this too. People forget about fat girls and their feelings and skills and then fellas like us come in and take ’em to the Hunger Games in exchange for a massage, two vicodins and my missing third season of The Wire– God only knows how she got her cute chubby hands on that one. Every now and then just tell her she’s beautiful, punch one of her boobs into the other, yell “Just kidding!” and then run out of the room. Come back in wearing nothing but a sombrero, and when she’s done laughing, extend your feet and pretend you’re a rich white girl and she’s a snarky old Korean lady, which maybe she will be! It’s all quite simple when you think about it, life.”

Photo courtesy of AARP. No seriously. It is.

Wine, Women, and Octopuses

26 Jul

Octopi? Anyone? Here is his tale of the high seas of alcohol:

“I’m such an old loser. Last night I found a full glass of wine and had no idea how it got there. But I must’ve poured it, ya know, because I was alone and drunk as shit off wine? Anyway, I said aloud, “Oh shit! Who poured me this fuckin’ glass of wine?!!!” That’s how old and gay I am. I’m yelling about wine, alone. And I’m not even 30 yet. Although it was kinda funny at the time. I LOL’d no homo. And don’t worry, the night wasn’t a complete loss. The married Korean woman came over and J’d my D and then let me F on her L while she T’d my N’s. Then she recited (from memory) a story about an octopus that killed her grandfather in the 1950’s. I could almost hear the tentacles crashing through the deck planks! I woke up today and she was gone. Oh boo-hoo, boo-hoo, come back old woman come back I miss you already!!!! Hahahahahahahaha!”

Jesus. A lot of stuff going on here. We got “no homo” back! But who’s filling in those letters? I have a good guess. And I feel bad for that Korean lady’s husband. He probably thinks she’s just really busy with friends. 

 

Too easy sometimes. I typed "funny wine" into Google Images.

Our grandfathers both died of heart attacks, not octopus attacks luckily.

Hiding Places

2 Jun

Woke up to this series of texts:

“You know what the great thing is about older Asian chicks? They fit so easily in your freezer!!!”

“Oh so little, so happy at one point. Now just scooch her over to find your vodka!”

“Are you not going to answer me you piece of shit!?!?!”

I wrote back “are you in jail?” and he hasn’t replied yet. 

Cat Fight

22 May

Looks like he had one…

“Check this shit out dude. Evidence of why you should never hang out with a Malaysian girl. They are fucking DANGEROUS. One minute it was “Please fuck me in the bathroom”, then it was “GROWL STAB CUT!!!”, then “Suck my pussy at the stoplight,” then she would be all “KILL DESTROY SCREAM!!!” Plus she had a speech impediment disguised as an “accent,” not unlike all Bostonians. I made her get out of my car so I could drunk drive alone. And this is why we fight all these wars, man. Non-Americans are dangerous. And PS if you notice, I took the photos while peeing- BECAUSE I’M BOSS.” 

Here are the two photos he emailed. I think he’s being dramatic. Funny but dramatic:

Slice!

You can actually see the stream of urine.

The Rapture Explained

19 May

Finally…

“Leave it to the Asians to break it all down for us with Avatars.”

Here’s the YouTube link he sent:

On Asian Women

12 May

who hang out in libraries…

“Was just thinking that since you’re going to be trolling for puss in the library, you should be on the lookout for Asian chicks, since they will be there in spades. Asian girls are mysterious, confusing, and a little bit freaky too. They have this cute little giggle and they like white guys because a lot of Asian fellers have small pee-pees. And also they’re loud as hell for some reason, so remember that for any public Asian fucking you might undertake. There are so many different types of Asian girls it’s almost impossible to put them all in one category. Shit, the other day someone told me that Indian girls are in fact, Asian girls… who knew?!

On the topic of Indian girls (dots not feathers- I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT!!!), who will also be in the library en masse (that means a lot you faggot!!!!), there’s only one thing you need to know:  Indian girls are freaks! They will let you do crazy stuff. Fuck that, they will let you do INTERNET STUFF! And they also  love white guys, so you’re in luck. The reason they’re freaks is that they’re all well aware of the fact that they have to marry some dude that their Uncle met at the spice market last weekend because he owes some other dude nine chickens, so they take their anger out on your white cock in the meantime. They like it from every angle- so let ‘em have it! I once throat-fucked and Indian girl on a balcony in Manhattan at 5AM. My friend came out because the “sounds of a cat dying” woke him up, and he reported the next day to be “beyond frightened” by what he saw. But the Indian girl treated it like just another Wednesday night… Talk about spicy curry! Oh man I have like a hundred of these jokes. 

So be on the lookout, and stay vigilant. Library pussy is in your future, I can taste it! Tastes like batteries.”

GROSS. 

"Quick! Fuck me before I have to move to Kashmir and marry a stranger!"


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