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Heroin of the Dog

4 Nov

I told him about my wicked hangovers and he sent me this a couple days later. Kinda genius:

“When I was your age, I could drink a case of beer (which by the way is 24, not 12 like pussies who drink Amstel Light will tell you), wake up the next day and score 9 points in a game of pickup basketball… with black people playing! That’s how young and awesome I was. Now if I drink a couple whiskeys I piss the bed and call in sick to work. Such is life. You shouldn’t be getting such terrible hangovers, but maybe you’re just not built like me. Attached are some potential cures for these troubles of yours. Enjoy.”

Love the exclamation point after sports



24 Oct

Got laid AGAIN last night. And she was a sophomore, so I’m basically the man now. I forgot her name but used the old “put your number in my phone” trick and then met up with her later. What’s up now motherfuckers!!!!!!

I forgot to wear a condom though. Woops!

Future Man

12 Oct

He loathes technology, which makes this whole thing all the more funny.

“I hope you’re mostly using the Internet for cheating and jerking off. This whole Twitter thing is ridiculous. I feel like people are just abbreviating speech over time to the point that we’re all just going to be talking in a series of clicks and pops like those African tribes that mediocre 1990’s comedians used to make fun of.

In my day, perverts had the dignity to at least go out into public. Now everyone’s on the Internet. When I was a kid, if you wanted to stalk someone you put on a hooded sweatshirt and got in the bushes like a normal person. If you wanted to see pictures of girls you knew in bikinis, you got a job at the local Rite-Aid developing photos. And tweeting was when you stuck your pinky up someone’s ass while giving them an Eskimo kiss. An Eskimo kiss!

So keep your ass off the Internet. It’s all 45 year old men pretending to be 9 year old girls and 9 year old girls pretending to be 45 year old robots. It’s dangerous.

Don’t ever tell anyone secrets via email. Fuck, don’t ever leave anyone a weird voicemail either. Trust me, people will use that shit against you.


Can’t wait til he sees The Social Network.

Bright colored plaid, silly bands... but you lost me with the flip-phone. :(


13 Sep

Sent him the following email: “Classes start tomorrow! What am I supposed to do??!?!??!!!” And he wrote back the following:

“Just go.”

Great. Thanks a lot.

Mission Accomplished

12 Sep

Just woke up from last night. What year is it? College is the best thing in the history of the World. I’m going to fail a few classes on purpose every year so I can stay for six like my brother did. Maybe he’s a genius after all. Finally got laid last night. Don’t remember much of it, but it happened. And that’s good enough for now.

I feel like an old timey video game character today.

I Was, and This Hurt…

10 Sep

His email says it all. FML.

“If you’re wondering whether it’s pathetic to be masturbating in your dorm room during the first week, it is. Go get some pussy for God’s sake. It’s 9/11 here and Jesus would want you to get some revenge pussy on the Muslims.”

Advice on (Not) Getting Caught Drinking

10 Sep

Could be helpful. Already saw this happen to the guy next door to me, but mostly because he puked all over the hallway. It smelled like marinated goat penis.

“From minute one people will want to party, and also from minute one, the RA’s and school administrators will be looking to make an example out of people. My year it was a guy called “Me.” It sucked, but it was totally my fault. So be careful, keep it low key, and don’t go stumbling around the hallways too obviously. PS your RA is your worst enemy- never forget that.”

I thought my roommate was my worst enemy.

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