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2 May

I hope they still have a few copies at the local news stand…

“Hey dude you should get a couple copies of the local newspaper declaring OSAMA’S DEAD. Dudes who collect shit like that get tons of pussy.” 

Oh boy I hope he’s right. Off I go!

Whoa, take it easy guys! No need to get all worked up.


He’s A Foodie

2 May

and here’s how I know this is true:

“Want a delicious feast for the eyes and palette? Try the prime rib at a strip club. The juxtaposition of meat is enough to make a man cry. Cry and throw money at women. Another thought– wouldn’t it be funny if Chevrolet was the luxury car brand, not Mercedes? “Now coming to the stage: Chevy!” Oh man, poor people are hilarious.”

This isn't my brother, but he kind of looks like this and probably has done exactly this at some point. Maybe today.

Truth And Justice

2 May

I knew he’d touch on the big news…

“GOD BLESS AMERICA. According to my co-workers, the best way to celebrate Osama’s death is to politicize it into an argument. I agree! So get out there and raise a stink if someone gives Obama credit for all this. We all know that the cast of the movie The Expendables went rogue and killed Osama to create some heat for the sequel.” 

Had to do it.

Respect Yourself

1 May

This has been a rough weekend. Who thought pledging would get hard? Woops…

“Show your penis some respect by washing your hands BEFORE you pee, not after. Don’t be a dick.”

He used to be a real advocate of the “Why would I wash my hands after I peed if I didn’t piss on my hands?” argument. 

Word To The Wise

30 Apr

on eating…

“It’s always the last tuna roll at the sushi buffet that gets you. Similarly, the last girl left in a bar, if eaten, will give you food poisoning. I’m off to the bathroom again!” 

I think this is his way of saying that he’s sick.

I like sushi but it's too expensive.

Games We Play

29 Apr

He speaks the truth from time to time…

“How have girls not figured out the “all of a sudden I’m texting you again” game? What do you think I fell into a wormhole after falling in love with you? I don’t care about you, idiot– I just have a boner!”

The Royal Treatment

29 Apr

I figured this is where he’d come down on this issue:

“PS if anyone says anything to you about the royal wedding today, call them a turncoat and punch them straight in the face. No prisoners! Fags with British accents have been taking our women for far too long, and I won’t stand for it anymore. “Oh blimey bla bla bla I’m an idiot with fucked up teeth but because I have an accent you think I’m smart and will fuck me. Blimey bling blong!” Royal assclowns is more like it, am I right?!?!?! Am I right?!?!?!?!?!”

Royal Assclowns

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