You don’t need to go outside, and you don’t need a TV either…
“I want to talk to you about how you can learn from nature. The Queen Bee enslaves hundreds of male bees and makes them work tirelessly for ZERO pay. When one of them gets tired or sprains a stinger, she has him kicked out of the hive, where he falls what must feel like 10 million feet to his death. Meanwhile, the King Cobra hangs out by himself reading the Desert Times Gazette, drinking margaritas and occasionally biting people who probably deserved it anyway. And that’s why we can’t have a woman President.”
I think Louis CK said it best:
So funny it hurts. Like it literally hurts because it’s true and that sucks.
With a new story:
“This second pose by the wolf on this lighter offers new insight into his character and invites us to share a contemplative moment with him. The cold snow under our feet will help us block out all the negative energy of life so we can focus on true wolf topics, like raw meat and pussy.”
“True wolf topics”
The answer may shock you. Or not…
“In life, you wanna be the horse they have to pull the reigns on to slow down, not the one they have to kick to speed up. Do you understand what I’m saying? I’m saying that when you’re playing a weird sex game with Latino midgets, you don’t want to get on their bad side. They’re some fiesty MF’s!”
Treat him right and you’ve got yourself a friend for life.
Because he needs you to slow down:
“What happened to being straightforward in our society? Is it texting? The Internet? No one can just say what they want to say anymore. It used to be that if you wanted to tell me about how you had a $5 pizza for sale, you’d strap a “$5 Pizza!” sign to a dog and cover the back with peanut butter so he wouldn’t complain. Now they have some grunge kid from my high school who apparently has a time machine and uses it to work shitty jobs in the future spinning a sign with such lightning-quick intensity that I just had a seizure in my car and crashed into an Asian lady’s QX4, the sheer irony of which made us all convulse with laughter (and me from the seizure, of course). Point is, if you have something to say, just fucking say it, don’t spin it.”
According to your arrow, sir, “Adventure Time” is underground. Where might I find the door and/or stairs?
And as usual, its the weirdest shit imaginable…
“Hey if those Occupy Wall Street kids are still in New York when we go for Cousin Andy’s wedding, I’ve got a trick up my sleeve for them. You and I are going to hit up a seafood market and say “One dozen of your finest Octopus, please” and walk over to the Occupy Wall Street hangout and fucking pelt those idiots with them while screaming, “More like OCTOPI Wall Street!” and laughing hysterically. That’s about the extent of the plan for now. Always figure out your escape route on-site. It makes for a more exciting sprint after you commit a crime because sometimes you hit a dead end and you get to live out the myriad examples of that exhilarating moment from 80’s movies. And maybe, just maybe, one of us will die.”
If we did it in Detroit we'd be heroes.