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Learning From Nature

17 Sep

You don’t need to go outside, and you don’t need a TV either…

“I want to talk to you about how you can learn from nature. The Queen Bee enslaves hundreds of male bees and makes them work tirelessly for ZERO pay. When one of them gets tired or sprains a stinger, she has him kicked out of the hive, where he falls what must feel like 10 million feet to his death. Meanwhile, the King Cobra hangs out by himself reading the Desert Times Gazette, drinking margaritas and occasionally biting people who probably deserved it anyway. And that’s why we can’t have a woman President.”

I think Louis CK said it best:

So funny it hurts. Like it literally hurts because it’s true and that sucks.

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Another Loner

10 Jul

With a new story:

“This second pose by the wolf on this lighter offers new insight into his character and invites us to share a contemplative moment with him. The cold snow under our feet will help us block out all the negative energy of life so we can focus on true wolf topics, like raw meat and pussy.”

“True wolf topics”

The Lone Wolf

25 Jun

He prides himself on being one…

“I was partying with some weird people on Saturday and ended up going into a K-hole/passing out for so long in the exact same place without moving that my fucking Rolex stopped working! How funny is that? I was asleep for like 26 hours apparently. Fucking horse tranquilizer and Swiss perpetual motion technology. Not so perpetual, is it?!?!?!?! The consolation prize was this KICK-ASS LIGHTER I found in my car this morning. It’s like a sign from God that I’m meant to be alone, howling at the Double Moons and then closing one eye so they combine into a SINGLE MOON!”

Well that made no sense at all. Here’s the lighter he’s so proud of:

“BIC. Lighting drugs on fire since 1926.”

What Kind Of Horse Are You?

15 May

The answer may shock you. Or not…

“In life, you wanna be the horse they have to pull the reigns on to slow down, not the one they have to kick to speed up. Do you understand what I’m saying? I’m saying that when you’re playing a weird sex game with Latino midgets, you don’t want to get on their bad side. They’re some fiesty MF’s!”

Treat him right and you’ve got yourself a friend for life.

“Say It, Don’t Spin It”

10 May

Because he needs you to slow down:

“What happened to being straightforward in our society? Is it texting? The Internet? No one can just say what they want to say anymore. It used to be that if you wanted to tell me about how you had a $5 pizza for sale, you’d strap a “$5 Pizza!” sign to a dog and cover the back with peanut butter so he wouldn’t complain. Now they have some grunge kid from my high school who apparently has a time machine and uses it to work shitty jobs in the future spinning a sign with such lightning-quick intensity that I just had a seizure in my car and crashed into an Asian lady’s QX4, the sheer irony of which made us all convulse with laughter (and me from the seizure, of course). Point is, if you have something to say, just fucking say it, don’t spin it.” 

According to your arrow, sir, “Adventure Time” is underground. Where might I find the door and/or stairs?

“The Best Beer Ever”

8 May

And how to “make it”…

“Just had the best beer of my life. Here’s how you make it: Take two Dos Equis bottles and put them in the freezer. Forget that you did that because you’re high as shit on three bong hits and two valiums. Come home from work early 24 hours later because your Grandma died again and you can’t handle the pressure of work with all these troubles on your mind. Open the freezer to get some ice cream for your afternoon cry and remember the beers. Open them both and wait until the ice flows upward and out, not unlike a Push-Pop, Ring-pop, or dog’s lipstick boner. Pour the remaining beer into a glass. Two beers make one, and you’ve got yourself the best beer ever. You’re welcome.”

“Even I didn’t know about that recipe.”

Occupying His Mind

10 Apr

And as usual, its the weirdest shit imaginable…

“Hey if those Occupy Wall Street kids are still in New York when we go for Cousin Andy’s wedding, I’ve got a trick up my sleeve for them. You and I are going to hit up a seafood market and say “One dozen of your finest Octopus, please” and walk over to the Occupy Wall Street hangout and fucking pelt those idiots with them while screaming, “More like OCTOPI Wall Street!” and laughing hysterically. That’s about the extent of the plan for now. Always figure out your escape route on-site. It makes for a more exciting sprint after you commit a crime because sometimes you hit a dead end and you get to live out the myriad examples of that exhilarating moment from 80’s movies. And maybe, just maybe, one of us will die.”

If we did it in Detroit we'd be heroes.

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