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Annoyed By Technology

28 Sep

and me, as usual. He called me 5 times in a row last night after we were texting, but I fell asleep. Then he emailed me this:

“What the fuck is wrong with you? If you text me, and then ONE SECOND LATER I call you, how do you not answer? You’re holding your phone dude. I know this. It’s a fact. I don’t want to talk for five hours like a 13 year old Italian schoolgirl. I want information. FUCK!!!”

He was just asking me dumb questions about fantasy football anyway. I spare you guys from a lot of shit trust me. 


Cat Fancy

15 Aug

Glad he found someone. Too bad it’s a man friend…

“Met my new best friend tonight. How do I know? We were stoned in his living room and his girlfriend’s cat sauntered in all arrogant– like she owned the place– and he got up and kicked her. Then he looked at me and said “she needs to stop thinking she’s better than me.” Pretty much gonna lock this dude down friend-wise, no homo.”

Of course. 

Sorry but I love this.

Daddy Issues

25 Jul

They’re not just problems for women…

“Hey don’t let Dad walk around the house like he’s King Shit. He thinks that because his red hair turned grey and people started addressing him like a human instead of a dirty troll all of a sudden that he’s so fucking awesome. But he’s not. He’s the same red-haired asshole he always was. Maybe unplug his sleep machine or hide all the Diet Cokes so he freaks out. You just have to put people in their place sometimes.”

Yes it’s true. Our Dad is a ginger, but neither of us are thankfully. And his hair turned gray (or grey as my brother spells it for some reason) but I haven’t noticed anything different about his behavior. I kinda like the guy to be honest. And I have no clue what sleep machine he’s talking about. Probably one of the many things he’s invented over the years that doesn’t actually exist. 

She’s Not On Call

5 Jul

and he’s pissed about it…

“This is ridiculous. My therapist is on vacation and is not accepting my calls. I’m sorry, but since my brain doesn’t go on vacation, she can’t be either. I’m coming down from a year’s worth of uppers taken in one weekend and thinking about every mistake I’ve ever made while chain-smoking Parliaments and sending ill-advised emails to ex-girlfriends and Facebook messaging my old High School English Teacher Ms. Krutz. If this bitch doesn’t answer my calls soon I’m reporting her.”

Reporting her to where exactly?


29 Jun

Seriously guys if I fail summer school too I’m going to kill myself. Don’t know what prompted this one, but…

“If someone’s text or email makes you laugh, just write “Hahahaha” not fucking “LOL.” First off, it’s faster. Secondly, it’s more genuine. People who write “LOL” are assholes and liars. Really, you “LAUGHED OUT LOUD”? You just fucking laugh out loud all day, huh? How do you hold a job down? People must think you’re crazy, just laughing away at your stupid desk all day like a damn loon. Fuck you!!!!!!!”

I love it when his emails get angry at the end to the point that it feels like he’s mad at me. 

Know What You’re Getting Into

22 Jun

Is he changing his “get all the pussy you can, forever” tune? You be the judge:

“I had this girl over to my apartment last night, and in between some sexytime stuff I was lost in thought about how much of my time she was wasting, which in lieu of receiving money for her services (because that would he HORRIBLE, right?), is what she wanted. It’s what all women want– your time and attention.

If I had just jerked it, I’d have saved myself something like 4 hours. And now, since as soon I came I decided that I hate this girl and never want to see her again, I’m going to have to fend her off into oblivion over the next two months via a series of bi-weekly text exchanges, costing me roughly 15-30 minutes each time. All told, for this one blowjob (it was okay, like 6 out of 10), I’ll have wasted anywhere from 10-12 hours of my life! Now multiply that by the number of  BJ’s I receive per year (172) and the subsequent run-and-hide technique I employ, and we’re talking about roughly 1,892 life hours wasted! Good God man that’s nearly 79 days! Think of all the things I could’ve done in that amount of time– the inventions, the theories, the fantasy football analysis!

The point I’m making here is that even though women are pretty and they smell good (even their sweat smells good for God’s sake), they are time-wasting machines of evil. Think about that the next time you text Butterface Brenda over to your room for 3.5 hours of watching Modern Family and talking about coffee flavors and .5 hours of weiner touching. Maybe just grab the Lubriderm, fire up a few windows of Safari for 20 minutes and then invent something awesome instead, like silent packing tape®.”

He likes to calculate things of this nature… Rather than working I think. And he’s been telling me to invent silent packing tape for years but I think someone already did.

When Being Polite Is Rude

17 Jun

Can he please just write a book on manners and decorum please?

“I was just at my favorite hangover spot getting a salt bagel (toasted, extra butter) and a large coffee (chugged, quick refill) when I bumped into a young lady on accident. “Woops, sorry,” I said with a smile (and you recall my smile is beautiful). “No worries,” she replied. Needless to say I dumped my coffee on her head. Is there anything more arrogant than saying “No worries” to someone? We’re in the middle of a recession and a war, your hair looks like shit, you’re 17 pounds overweight and about to add another with that donut, your blouse looks like a gay man from the 1940’s dressed you, and you have ZERO worries? Really? Go fuck yourself lady. 9 times out of 10, people who say “no worries” should have a shitload of worries– and people who add “Bro” at the end will be homeless within six months, GUARANTEED. “No worries” is the white person equivalent of “De nada,” the incredibly arrogant Mexican response to a thank you. Really Chuco? “It’s nothing” to you? My fucking thanks means nothing to you!?!?!? Leg sweep!” 

This from a man who used to regularly spit his food back onto his plate at dinner and say “Mama?” over and over again to make me laugh as a kid. 

I typed "No worries, bro" into Google and this pic was there. Due to the amount of fat chicks recently, here's a cute chick who probably actually does have "no worries."

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