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No Wonder…

23 Mar

I thought it was odd when I called him that it went straight to voicemail:

“iPhones act like they’re all cool and fancy, but they smash against walls during fits of rage just like Blackberries do. Back online, bitches.” 

What could have caused this, you wonder? Let’s start with “anything.” 

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Updates From The Homestead

26 Dec

He goes home tomorrow, and its been a pretty funny although slightly uneventful few days. Here’s a little breakdown of some interesting happenings:

Last night at dinner he kept asking our Mom why there weren’t any jalapeno poppers being served. After the fifth time our Dad said “Will you cut it out about the poppers?!” and my brother stayed quiet for about thirty seconds and then whispered “hot cream cheese filling.”

Then when we were drinking in the basement he explained to me how he’s thinking of buying a tiger as a pet.

“I can afford it. Can you imagine? Throw a steak in his cage and watch that fucker go wild!”

And then he made tiger noises for like 30 seconds straight.

Today we went, as a family, to see The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. And spoiler alert, but there’s a lot of nudity in that movie. And also a brutal rape scene, during which my brother loudly whispered “That’s how Dad got Mom pregnant!” Later there was a fat dude that kept checking his phone, and my brother asked him loudly if he liked it. He pretended to be interested in it, like maybe he wanted to buy one, and when the guy smiled and said yes my brother said “Well then I’d put it away, because if you take it out again I’m gonna throw it through the fucking movie screen.” It was awkward after that.

 

Bullshit Lies And More Bullshit

30 Nov

I called home tonight at 10PM and “proved” that I wasn’t drunk. Well guess what I am now! I hate everything in life and I have finals coming up. Wish I was doing what he claims to be doing:

“Just saw a dude walking down the street carrying a yoga mat and destroying the concept of manhood for everyone, so I smashed his head in with an electric guitar. What’s that you say? Why did I have an electric guitar on the street? Because I was doing my 6 O’Clock Sidewalk Guitar Solo, mind your own business! But now I guess the Guitar Solo Extravagasm® is on hold until I can afford a new axe, isn’t it Yoga Boy?!?!?!?! (cool people call guitars “axes” by the way)”

Another registered trademark thingy by him, so no one use that! We’ve been talking on the phone a lot recently and as much as I want to record the conversations so you can hear them, I can’t. So you’ll have to settle for these randoms. But just so you know, he’s very proud of me and said something to the effect of “If I was caught pissing they’d have gotten me for indecent exposure too because it takes me 18 minutes to put my dick away on account of how long it is.” Yep, I think that’s exactly what he said.  

Dude has a cool axe.

Non-Arrest Story From The Weekend

29 Nov

Prior to my idiocy, we were asked to go to our Grandma’s house on Sunday morning to visit her which is kind of a tradition where she talks for awhile and then gives us each $100 cash. We were both very hungover, and she has these huge hearing aids and still can’t hear anything you say unless you scream it at her. “She’s gonna be waiting in her den like the fucking deaf Godfather” I think is what my brother said on the walk over there. On this particular morning her hearing aids were emitting this terrible dog whistle high pitch frequency that got more and more unbearable as the talk went on and my brother started cussing her out under his breath saying shit like “Just give us the fucking money, Lebowski” and “I’m having a seizure you old bitch, hurry up!” Anyway it was really funny. That’s all. 

He’s Always On

16 Nov

Stage, drugs, whatever. He sent this weird picture and email:

What a dickhead.

“Sometimes I like to have a little fun and maybe cut a weird hole in a table, put it out next to the recycling and then just wait to watch people be disappointed and confused by it. Oh I’m such a comedian!!! An unlicensed professional comedian, and all the World is my stage but no one knows they’re in the audience but they got in free so STOP COMPLAINING YOU UNGRATEFUL ASSHOLES I’M TRYING MY HARDEST I JUST WANT YOU TO LOVE ME!!!!!!!!!!! 

Take my table, please.”

Please welcome the new category of “Woodwork.”

Put Your Phone Down

14 Nov

Asshole…

“Went to a concert tonight because FUCK MONDAYS and the whole time this Nittany Lion in front of me had his fucking phone up, recording the shit band and taking pictures and whatnot. I asked him politely to stop, and he didn’t. So then I asked him impolitely. He still didn’t. Finally, I’d had enough. “Care to live in the moment, dicksucker?!?!” I yelled, grabbing his iPhone 4Gs9,000 and smashing it into 62 pieces on the ground. “Does anyone live in the moment anymore?!?!” I cried as the bouncers carried me outside. “Does anyone know where I can score some coke?!” I screamed as I peed on the side of the building. “Are you even allowed to arrest white people?!?!” I bellowed as the policeman handcuffed me. And so on. Point is, don’t fucking film everything and take pictures of everything like you’re some reporter from the future here to collect data on “The Gay Times.” Just live it, love it, and remember it, you dipshit.” 

I support him on this because I went to a concert recently where the whole crowd was holding their phones up the whole time.

Wonder what he'd have done to the bitch with the iPad.

 

Remember When…

11 Nov

you did that terrible thing? Good. He sent this at 3AM his time last night:

“Just made a huge mistake and went to the gas station for cigs where I’ve been banned for life after I pissed in the trashcan next to pump 6 one night. Woops! Let this be a reminder to you– Don’t forget the places you aren’t allowed anymore. Maybe keep a list. It will save you the embarrassment of being turned down in front of a convertible full of runaway Latina girls, and save you lots of time too. PS- Bulletproof glass is also punch-proof, and I think I broke my hand again. Well played, Shell station. Well played.” 

He used to work at a Shell station near our house because his license was suspended and it was the closest job he could get. 

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