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Airport Security Update

20 Jun

From the world’s #7 expert on drug trafficking…

“Don’t ever hide drugs in a bag that you sometimes use for travel, because you might just forget about them until you’re in the security line. Just learned that the hard way at LAX, but luckily I had time to run to the bathroom and GET HIGH AS FUCK!!!!!”

Also don’t do this:

God Bless the Internet. This is “an xray of the abdomen of a drug mule.”


Take Off

4 Aug

Could be my most clever subject/title yet…

“Fucking United. They made me check my penis bc they said it was too big for carry-on. Thank God it’s detachable. PS YouTube that shit. Detachable Penis was the jam when I was a kid.”

Here it is folks:

Sky High

23 May

I got this when my plane landed, so it was of no use to me. It wouldn’t have been anyway, because it’s absurd, and I sat next to a man. But maybe it can help someone else. Just maybe…

“Dude-lick, pick up your phone! You need to use this opportunity to join the Mile High Club! Don’t let life pass you by without fucking a chick on a plane. Sooner or later the World’s gonna end, or you’re gonna get hit by a car, and as you’re lying there on the street with your brains pouring out of your head, you’ll be all like “Damn I wish I would’ve fucked on a plane once!” Well here’s your chance. I’ve done it 52 times, like the weeks in a year! Provided you sit next to a cute girl, strike up a conversation with her right away. Then order yourself and her a drink, on you. Ask her about herself, tell a couple jokes (no racist ones though. Chicks hate racist jokes for some reason). Pretend you give a shit about how she teaches school or whatever dumbass job she has. Then be the first to initiate contact. When she gets up to go to the bathroom, give her a minute, then follow. Stand by the lavatory she went into, and then when she cracks the door open just a wee bit, say “Hellooooooooooooooo Nurse!” and watch as she pulls you inside and practically sucks your dick OFF! Let me know how it goes.”  

This was not even close to who I sat next to...

Speeding It Up

6 Jan

I guess he’s traveling for work again:

“You may have noticed over the years that I’m a very fast walker. As I just zoomed by every idiot in this airport, I got to thinking about how I’ve probably gotten to all of my destinations a couple minutes earlier than anyone else because of my supreme speed-walking ability. Which made me think: Maybe after all this time, I’m actually a few HOURS into the future. It would explain how hip and controversial all of my clothes, comments and decisions are. So think about that the next time you’re doing a slow-motion Electric Boogaloo en route to class. Speed that shit up and get the day over with faster!”

This is what Olympic Racewalkers look like. Classic French pervert.


28 Dec

A quality recommendation:

“Earlier today at the airport I was getting one of those fancy new patdowns next to this country club schmuck of a guy, and he said to the TSA worker patting him down, “Jeez why don’t you buy me lunch first!” referring to his junk being grazed… and then he laughed and looked at me, expecting me to laugh. I didn’t. Instead I followed him to McDonalds and when he was about to pay, I stepped in and said “This one’s on me.” Then I just stared at him and raised my eyebrows. It’s called follow-up, bitch!”

Logic would tell you not to believe this, but I honestly wouldn’t be surprised.


8 Dec

Maybe this is good advice:

“Next time you go to the aiport, if you choose the full-body scan, make sure you don’t have a boner. I just did and everyone freaked out. I couldn’t do a pat down though, could I?”

Nope, you couldn’t.

God bless the Internet. Typed "X-Ray Boner" and here's what I got.

Happy Thanksgiving!

25 Nov

His flight got in at something like 1AM. He woke me up with a punch in the stomach and a demand that I drink a beer with him, where I learned that:

“If you ever have some drugs stuffed up your ass in a security line at the airport, don’t stand behind an old black lady. They wear too much perfume, which will cause you to sneeze, which will dislodge the drugs.”

There’s an air in the house right now that feels like how I’ve always pictured living under Taliban rule as we all wait for my brother to get drunk at dinner tonight. Pins and needles. Pins and fucking needles.

"Please don't ruin Thanksgiving."

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