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Life Changing

11 Aug

Gotta do it. After two days of radio silence, this:

“I’ve decided to become a stewardess. Nice knowing you, kid.”

Look for him in the friendly skies. 

That Smell

21 Jun

One of the grosser subject lines in memory. Sorry…

“Baby puked in front of me on my flight this morning. Almost had a Stand By Me pukefest as everyone freaked out, but did I? Fuck no. I used it as an opportunity to repeatedly and openly fart on a plane, a treat more rare than Albino Indian Women, which are VERY FUCKING RARE! The lady next to me would sneak stares and make stupid little passive aggressive noises after each squealing toot, and each time I’d just look at her and smile. “It’s a free for all,” I informed her. And that, my friend, is called making the best of a bad situation.” 

Here’s the famous “Stand By Me pukefest”:

Never Never Land

6 Mar

Weird last couple of days, but my loss is your gain… Here’s everything he sent me over the last two days:

SUNDAY:

“We finally started having sex last night and it was great and all, but then this morning I accidentally said my own name during it and she got pissed. It’s not like I said some other chick’s name– what the fuck is the problem? I was saying the name of the person I’m most in love with. Whatabitch#”

Love his use of the hashtag there. Very hip. Later in the evening he sent this:

“So she left in a huff before she was supposed to take me to the airport. Just told me to lock the bottom lock on my way out. If by “lock the bottom lock” she meant leave an upper-decker in the water tank of her toilet, we’re all set!”

And then from the plane:

“FEMALE PILOT. Is Southwest joking? Am I on Punk’d? Where’s Bieber? See you in Hell!”

Then on MONDAY he forwarded me a text from the girl in Austin:

“Thx for leaving my place a mess, thx for breaking my coffee maker, and thx for being a complete asshole the entire time you were here. Talk to you never.”

Then he wrote me:

“Didn’t realize I broke her coffee maker. I would send her $11 to replace it, but I’m under strict orders to “talk to her never.” What the fuck does that even mean? Just don’t text me if you don’t want to talk. Think I might start calling her a bunch.”

AND NOW TODAY:

“Got to work super early, raided the company liquor cabinet, drove back home and came in at my normal time (9:42AM) and no one was the wiser. Just like I always say– “If a crackhead dies in a dark alley and no one’s there to see it, is he really dead?” I think not.”

So there you have it folks. Back to my struggling grades!

Paying For It

1 Mar

He always says not to, but we all have moments of weakness…

“Guess what I’m doing right now? Boarding a plane to Austin, Texas to have sex with a girl. Because this is what you do when you’re old and can’t just throw a rock out your frathouse window for some gush. You pay for it. You get drunk alone and text with a girl you hooked up with six months ago until she’s so hot and bothered that she agrees that you should FLY ACROSS THE COUNTRY TO HAVE SEX WITH HER. That’s right. So here I am, having to explain to some cocksucker that A7 boards before A26 on a Southwest flight so he will get THE FUCK BEHIND ME and I can get a window seat and think about how fun it would be to jump to my death from 30,000 feet. Fail a couple classes. Trust me. You don’t wanna leave college. Ever.” 

It's a long way down.

Like A Tornado Made Of Drugs

23 Dec

Well this has been interesting. He showed uo acting like a complete weirdo, claiming that the “black pilot was fresstyling over the loudspeaker the entire flight.” Then he pulled me aside and informed me that he ate a huge pot brownie before his flight so the freestyling story may not have been “100% accurate.” Now he’s eating cookies in the kitchen that someone gave us, and they are that weird Otis Spunkmeyer brand that he can’t stop laughing about. I just overheard the following:

“MMMMMM these Spunkmeyers are so good Mom. I would eat these in a barn! Do I have any Spunkmeyer on my face? I feel like I do. Dad? Get in here!”

In other news, I got a 2.0 so I’m still a citizen of college. Hooray.

On Disciplining Other People’s Kids

13 Sep

Pre-class post… Trying to attend some this year. This is something he’s been doing for years, including the time he spanked our neighbor’s son in our front yard when he was 25 and the kid was like 10. It was frightening, like this probably was…

“On the plane back I met up with, not surprisingly, some trouble. It wasn’t of my usual “can’t get hard in the lavatory because of the turbulence” trouble, but instead of a completely non-sexual nature, and involving a child to boot. This little whippersnapper in the seat behind me kept smacking her cute little tootsies on the ground– literally for the first three hours of the flight– and despite my requests for her to stop, she did not. Here I was, minding my own business in Business Class, reading GQ and trying to figure out if Mark Sanchez is gay (He loves showtunes?) while this little shit is just smacking the day away in her Payless shoes. With her fat ugly father passed out and no recourse to be found, I finally rolled up the magazine and smacked her foot as hard as I could with Mark’s smiling, ambiguous face. Of course she immediately started crying, waking her father, at which point she explained to him in Spanish what I’d done, and he burst to his feet to confront me. “Tengo huevos?” I asked him. “Hay heuvos,” I declared, never letting my eyes leave his. “Sientate,” I said, pointing to his seat. And sientate he did my friend. Sientate he fucking did. Pretty sure Sanchez is gay.biz, bt-dubs.”

Glad to hear that no one was hurt… except for that girl’s foot.

I don't think I need to read the GQ article. I've made up my mind.

 

Take Off

4 Aug

Could be my most clever subject/title yet…

“Fucking United. They made me check my penis bc they said it was too big for carry-on. Thank God it’s detachable. PS YouTube that shit. Detachable Penis was the jam when I was a kid.”

Here it is folks:

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