Archive | February, 2013

He Got A Checkup

27 Feb

And his worst fear was confirmed…

“Well, it turns out I’m NOT dying after all. I know, I’m bummed too. I went to the doctor yesterday and explained my symptoms– morning dehydration and headaches, burning pee and stomach pain, farts, strangers in the living room, broken dishware, poorly written emails to exes, camera crew in the bushes, kids next door are crying, and my orange tree is dead. He called the cops but the CAT scan came back clean.”

FUCKIN CAT SCAN!!!!!!

FUCKIN CAT SCAN!!!!!!

Don’t Walk Away

24 Feb

from your problems, or let them walk away from you…

 “Three days ago my feet come up to me and say, “We wanna try Meth!” and I was all like, “Do your thing, feet! Nobody’s holding you back!” Three hours ago they show up all beat to shit asking to borrow $15. And $15 is a weird amount to ask to borrow. Just say $20, it sounds more businesslike… I KNOW IT’S FOR DRUGZ FEET!” 

Looks like he has bed bugs.

Looks like he has bed bugs.

New Pickup Line

17 Feb

For any of you who HATE getting laid:

“BOOM! I did it again. Just came up with the sickest new pickup line in history. Here’s what you do– Go up to a hot girl at a bar and say, “Hey did you hear that Subway’s running a $5 footlong special?” She’ll be all like, “Sure, what? Okay, like, so…” or whatever girls blather. Then you say, “Yeah it sounds like a pretty good deal, until you find out that my apartment is running a SIX-INCH SPECIAL FOR FREE!” Then you pop your eyebrows up and down and hail a taxi because that bitch is coming home with you! When you get there make sure you’ve purchased at least two but preferably four six-inchers from Subway because who knows what she’ll be in the mood for.” 

Years ago he made a song about Subway called, “There’s a Fly On Everything.” It ruled. I will try to find it. 

This can be yours!

This can be yours!

Rest In Peace

13 Feb

To his genitals…

“Well, it finally happened. I blew my dick off. I was driving around bumping “Sketches of Spain” by Miles Davis and then “The Great Milenko” by ICP just to even things out, and I was smoking a bong by myself because I’m a sad, lonely rebel… and I had my lighter tucked under my balls for quick access… and I farted. The ensuing explosion destroyed my driver’s seat and also blew my nuggets to smithereens. So I guess I have to start doing heroin now like DJ AM. Rest in Peace homies.” 

Actual photo of the accident.

Actual photo of the accident.

Don’t Forget

12 Feb

to follow this simple rule:

“Make sure you bang a girl who dresses like this at some point in your life. It will be a fleeting but memorable time for you, because chicks who dress like this are crazy in bed and even crazier out of it.” 

Here she is, Miss America!

Here she is, Miss America!

New Slang

7 Feb

He’s got it. We all benefit…

“Thinking of trademarking “YES HOMO.” It’s the cool new thing to say to your buds. Like, “Yes homo but… I really love spending time with you guys.” Stuff like that. Slap a pizza down and say something about tits and everyone will forget.” 

Yes please!

Yes please!

Smokin’

1 Feb

And the potential consequences:

“Some nights I drink so much alcohol I get worried that my head’s gonna explode when I light a cigarette. And some nights, I hope it does. If you feel like this too, congratulations: You’re awesome.”

Makes you think about how stupid name tags are, doesn't it?

Makes you think about how stupid name tags are, doesn’t it?

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