Archive | January, 2013

The Beard Chronicles Part Two

31 Jan

Always darkest before the dawn. Is that the saying?

“Well, shaving my beard might have been a terrible decision. I just gave a “what’s up” head nod to a cool-ass dude with a beard and he looked at me all like, “Yeah, what IS up, bitch?” Then I remembered I didn’t have my beard on. Anyway, half my face is light pink and the other half is a beautiful tan. I’m like Two-Face from Batman. I’M HIDEOUS!”

Then later he sent this:

“Might be getting back on track. Just got my first double-take validation from a hot chick at a 7-11. She might have just mistaken me for a walking, human form of her shaved pussy, but she also might’ve thought I was cute. Stands to be determined.” 

Don't get confused. Those are just regular old women.

Don’t get confused. Those are just regular old women.

The Beard Chronicles Part One

31 Jan

He shaved his beard, and it warranted a multitude of talk…

“Decided to shave my beard tonight because I noticed it’s starting to get cool in society. Mixed results. Thought about suicide. Decided against it. A tip: If you’re planning on growing a beard and getting fat under it, get back in shape before you shave it off. I just got super stoned, shaved my beard off, realized I was fat and then played a game around my apartment with the mirrors called “Fat Gay Demon” where I pretended to get scared every time I saw myself.” 

In His Day

25 Jan

Things were different…

“In my day, if you bragged about staying at home alone to watch an entire TV series you got punched, not laid. Times have changed. The hipsters have forced their nerdiness on all of us, so now dudes at bars say stuff like, “You HAVEN’T seen Downton Abbey???” to chicks instead of “Wanna go back to my place and pour hot sauce on each other?” Also what the fuck happened to the second W on that show? No time for it? Fuck you!” 

That's "some" ecard! ZING!

That’s “some” ecard! ZING!

“Don’t Worry, Man.”

22 Jan

Not sure what the moral is here, or what he means at all, but I like it…

“Don’t worry, man. Life gets a lot easier. At some point you realize that the tough looking dude in the leather jacket is listening to Gloria Estefan on his iPod. Know what I mean?” 

Damn Gloria Estefan was hot as hell!

Damn Gloria Estefan was hot as hell!

Past, Present, Future

21 Jan

This is one of those all encompassing on accident emails:

“Took the day off to celebrate MLK and BHO, went to CVS to get some CAB (cigarettes and beer) and luckily Obama’s “No Beer Before 10AM” law hadn’t passed yet. Anyway, needed to get the discount on the wet wipes but I didn’t have a card, and my phone number didn’t work, so I told the cute Mexican chick who was giving me googly eyes my ex-girlfriend’s phone number because I KNOW that bitch had a CVS card. As I was driving away I realized that now I have to text my ex-girlfriend and alert her that a cute Mexican girl is probably gonna hit her up for sex later and to just forward me the text. Bottom line dude? Life is muey complicado. Just try to make the best of it. And remember, in about five years, you’ll need to use wet wipes every time you poop. And that’s sad.” 

Was this the girl????

Was this the girl????

Immortal Kombat

15 Jan

One day he will succeed in confusing his system into death…

“Just put all these bitches in my stomach at once and yell, “FIGHT!””

Hope he didn't drink that cool bottle opener too.

Hope he didn’t drink that cool bottle opener too.

Thinking About It

14 Jan

Sometimes you have to…

“Laptop broke because I spilled baby oil all over it. Don’t worry, I wasn’t alone. My landlady was there too. AnywayZ, being deprived of the Internet at home has reminded me of how fun it was to beat it to thoughts. Tiring, but fun. The worst thing is when you’re about to burst because you’re in a large-scale showering facility with every girl you ever hooked up with and suddenly your 3rd grade teacher Mr. Fartsworth comes in and starts singing Huey Lewis and the News really loud like no one’s even in there. Um, hello???!?!?!?! We’re busy here.”

"Use other room, Meesta Fartsworth! This girl's showah."

“Use other room, Meesta Fartsworth! This girl’s showah.”

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