Archive | December, 2012

Pun Control

19 Dec

See what I did there? Genius…

“Working on a new rap song called, “I’ve Got A Hundred Round Clip and a Little-Ass Dick.” Should be a big hit.”

Phallic as fuck, dog.

Phallic as fuck, dog.

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Helping Your Friends

19 Dec

It’s the best thing you can do in life. But you can’t do it like this:

“Good buddy of mine tore his ACL in a flag football game recently. This is what happens when you get older. One minute you’re trying to rip fabric off of a man running away from you carrying a strangely shaped piece of animal skin, the next you’re lying on the ground in tears. Anyway, the doctors told him he’d have to get some weird surgery where they replaced his ACL with a dead man’s achilles, and I had to step in. So tomorrow the doctors will be removing some tendons from my penis and putting them in my friend’s knee. It turns out the reason my penis is so long is that I had a bunch of extra tendons normally meant for legs and shit in there, so I was all like, “Buddy just take these for God’s sake and I’ll finally be able to fit inside an Asian!” The doctors are pumped because everyone loves a challenge and my friend doesn’t have to get some weird old serial killer’s achilles tendon which would probably make his knee do weird stuff like kick old women in their cooters. Seacrest out!”

Boner time!

Dude is open to your left you dumbass!

Don’t Limit Yourself

13 Dec

to laws and rules..

“I hate it when someone says “So and So’s blood-alcohol content was TWICE the legal limit when he was arrested.” Dude, the legal limit is for pussies. I blow a .08 with my snores. Talk to me when you cross into the 40th percentile.”

C'mon at least try to talk! You're only at .39!

C’mon at least try to talk! You’re only at .39!

When We Change

10 Dec

It can be tough. And expensive…

“Just found out I got all my suits tailored for the wrong person. The person I USED TO BE. That shit was so deep I had to leave work early and get stoned so I could think about it.” 

Damnit. I could look so much better.

Damnit. I could look so much better.

Never Stop Keeping It Real

4 Dec

Or you will die…

“I’ve come up with a genius plan while staying home sick (sick of this job AMIRIGHT?!?!?!) and catching up on some Real World/Road Rules Challenge and Top Chef. After lengthy and successful meetings with MTV and Bravo, I will be hired as a secret plant or mole for the next seasons of these amazing shows. For RWRRC I will bring three others with me– one super tough dude and two chicks who kicked Crystal Meth and don’t take shit from anyone. We will have no plans of winning the game, because who the fuck would embarrass themselves for two months to split $250,000, which after taxes is only like $40K. I made $40K last week and then lost it at a coke dealer’s pool party. Anyway, the reason we’ll be there will be simple. The first time one of those Roided up 5’7” pussy of a dude or fake tittied 6 of a chick gets buck, talks shit to the “new team” and gets in one of our faces and says the famous RWRRC line, “Hit me bro! Hit me!” we will. And hard. And all four of us at once will attack everyone on the show with a bloodlust usually reserved for people high on Bath Salts. And shit, maybe we will be high on Bath Salts. It’s working out for that anti-virus guy. We’ll be kicked off, but we weren’t really playing anyone. Just teaching young punks lessons about life like we’re a white teacher in a black school in a 90’s movie. 

Now, onto Top Chef. If they’re planning on having 15 contestants to start, they’ll add me for 16. Or 12 and I’m 13, you get it. It won’t matter that I’m there because I’m not going to win, but in a twist of Top Chef genius to fuck with the contestants, I will continue to advance week after week cooking only grilled cheese sandwiches. And in the elimination round jury panel thing they do, I will RELENTLESSLY hit on Padma. And despite it obviously being untoward and lascivious, she will eat it up! I envision one point where I say something like “Ow! Spicy Curry!” after she critiques another contestant, and she’ll laugh but some assclown from Williamsnerd, Brooklynwith a knuckle beard and purple high tops will be all like, “Bro that’s racist! And you’re not even a good chef!” and then Tom Colichio will scream at him, “Unless you can turn that attitude into salt and re-do your dish, shut your mouth! That grilled cheese was the best I’ve ever fucked!” Eventually I will reveal to them that I’m not actually a chef, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. It was all a clever ruse to peddle bed bugs.”

This is a screengrab from the RWRRC website. Please read the description they gave two men kissing.

This is a screengrab from the RWRRC website. Please read the description they gave two men kissing.

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