Archive | November, 2012

Get It Right

29 Nov

or face the consequences…

“Was at this chick’s house last night trying to find a snack while she cleaned herself off from what I just did to her, and discovered her pantry’s best option to be REDUCED FAT CHEEZ-ITs. Who in the fuck buys REDUCED FAT CHEEZ-ITs? If there’s a fucking “Z” in the name of the food, go ahead and get full-fat. Just go for it at that point. Well, needless to say, I ate none and then broke all her wine glasses before yelling “You’re doin’ it wrong!” and leaving the front door open behind me. That’s my new thing– “You’re doin’ it wrong!” I like to just randomly yell it at people while I’m driving, or while they’re shopping or something. Could be a good reality TV show where I help people stop being so shitty at everything. Something to think about.”



He’s Starting Another Band

29 Nov

And they sound FANTASTIC…

“Been jamming a bunch recently with my new band, The Blackberry Scones. Our first single is called, “Kiss Me ‘Til You Miss Me” from our album “I’m Writing A Letter To The Editor Of Your Heart.” We suck.”

That scone is going to spill everywhere you idiot.

On Money And Women

29 Nov

Tough week last week. Had a death in the family hence the lack of posts. Back in action now with all the dickheaded things we normally post! His take on the Thanksgiving football games was this…

“Please to review the attached photo of the owner of the Jets, Woody Johnson. He is 4’6″ tall and looks like a troll I met under a bridge when I was on mushrooms in 2001. His sons are both retarded because you can’t mate with a troll and expect anything less. But what else do you see? A hot wife. And why? Because ALL WOMEN CARE ABOUT IS FEELING SAFE. And shit tons of money makes everyone feel safe. Look how happy this chick is, even though she had to peel back nine inches of troll foreskin to find his one inch dick– TWICE! She doesn’t give a fuck though. Just remember that. If you can make women feel safe, you can have all the women you want. That’s why hideously ugly tall guys have hot girlfriends and why I bang hot chicks every week even though I have very serious emotional problems, many of which are currently undiagnosed because I refuse to be honest with the doctors.” 

Here’s the photo in question:

Just to clarify, he is not a troll and his children are not retarded. But his wife is a money grubbing piece of skirt steak. That part was true.

Mistaken Identity

19 Nov

He suffers from it a lot. Gets a lot of Dave Grohl, Ugly Prince William, not flattering… But this is different:

“Just had a super awkward moment outside a coffee shop. This insanely hot 40 year old walked up in all spandex with a bangin’ body, and went into the store next to the coffee shop. When she was coming out a few minutes later, this cool looking 13 year old kid was aimlessly standing there playing his GameWizard® and TOTALLY NOT NOTICING HER. So I tried to get his attention so he could have a month’s worth of jerk-material but he wouldn’t listen– classic teen! So I went and grabbed him, being like, “Dude check it out!” and pointing to the older chick with the ass. Anyway his parents thought I was trying to molest him and I almost had to fight the Dad. Classic mixup!”

Get off your GameWizard kid, there’s a World Wonder behind you!


New Saying

18 Nov

Just in time for Thanksgiving!

“When someone asks you what you did this weekend you should say, “Just bustin’ nuts and trustin’ sluts!” and the smile and walk away.” 

Don’t trust ’em!

Check In With Him

17 Nov

Wait til you see how clever of a joke that is!

“Just recalled the time I bounced a check to a drug dealer in college. He came back to my room like he was gonna tell me my dog died, all sad looking. And really sweetly he mumbled, “Your check bounced man. For the QP? It bounced. I’m sorry, man.” It was a sticky situation, because I’d already sold some and smoked a lot of the quarter pound of weed in question, and CLEARLY I didn’t have the money to pay him back. And he just felt TERRIBLE for me! Even mentioned that he wouldn’t tell anyone about it. Drug dealers get a bad rap. Most of them are really sweet. We eventually worked out a payment plan over a few bowls, and six months later, he had his $400 back. No interest. I don’t pay interest.”

I swear to god if you type “sad drug dealer” into Google this is like the 10th pic that comes up. Amazing!

Don’t Drive Home Without This

16 Nov

helpful tip…

“Helpful tip: All interstate highways going north and south end in a 5, i.e. I-75 and the 405. All interstate highways going east and west end with a 0, like the 10. Remember that next time you’re drunk driving and maybe you won’t get so lost.” 

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