Archive | September, 2012

You Better Recognize

26 Sep

Or else something ridiculous will happen to you…

“If you’re ever in a cafe (kill yourself) and you think you recognize an Asian woman sitting by herself from some porn you watched recently, don’t go up to her and say that to her, even if the only reason you’re in the cafe in the first place is that you haven’t slept in three days and you’re pretty sure special agents are following you and you figure this is perhaps your last chance to pay your respects to a great porn actress. Because what might happen is that you were wrong, and that where you really recognize her from is the time you fucked her so hard in 2010 that her Dad had to come over and play her favorite piano quintet to wake her up, and that she’ll throw her stupid-ass mocha chubby girl drink all over your HANDSOME face. And then there you are, embarrassed at a Coffee Bean, again.”

I don’t really consider Coffee Beans to be cafes, but whatever floats his boat…

“One day, a man will love me for me…”

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Saturday Morning Puke

22 Sep

He apparently had one…

“A good argument for regularly cleaning your toilet is that you NEVER know when you’re going to puke, so if you NEVER clean your toilet, you might just fuck yourself when you’re puking on a Saturday morning and you’re forced to remember not only the last time you trimmed your pubes but also the entire bag of vegetable fried rice from Trader Joe’s you ate Wednesday night. Just a thought.”

Look they drew a Chinese food carton on there to remind you about diarrhea!

Misunderstanding

21 Sep

Yourself…

“Sometimes when I’m high as fuck, driving around blaring “Peg” by Steely Dan with my windows down, I get worried that no one understands me. And then I remember that I don’t want anyone to understand me. Because when people understand you, you become predictable. And when you’re predictable, you’re boring. And when you’re boring, you’re dead. So yeah, kid on the skateboard, this is Steely Dan. And they rule. Watch out for that lamp post!” 

Here’s the song he referenced.  I don’t understand it either:

hUMAN 5

21 Sep

See what I did there? Learned from the worst…

“The best way I know how to say to someone “I’m a human!” is to stare down at my iPhone whenever a stranger passes me. Try it sometime! JOIN US!”

I typed “asshole hipster with iphone” and this was the first hit.

That Time

20 Sep

of the day, the week, the month, whatever…

“It’s completely unfair that women are allowed a period of time each month (see what I did there???) where they act completely crazy, make no sense and are overly emotional… but when I do that exact same thing once a week I have to go to a doctor and take tests and medicine because I’m “bipolar.” What if I’m just having my Penis Period? Nothing’s bleeding because I’m not weak, but maybe… just maybe… my soul is bleeding a little bit. Sure feels like it. Where is the soul, anyway? Your lower back? That’s where it hurts.”

New Pickup Line

19 Sep

I’m sure it will work!

“Here’s a dope new pickup line for you– “Hey girl. Wanna hang out later and review my Internet history?” And, you’re welcome.”

Personality Test

18 Sep

Simple and easy. Try it!

“If you’re wondering whether or not you have serious emotional problems, try this simple and easy test: Hop on YouTube and play the song “Out of My Head” by Fastball. Did you start crying? Then you have serious emotional problems! If not, you’re fine. Maybe write something homophobic in the comments section and have a great day!”

Here’s the song. And you probably shouldn’t write something homophobic in the comments section:

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