Archive | August, 2012

He Hates The Game

31 Aug

Just like players have been telling us all to do for years. Don’t hate them…

“Hey if you’re excited about the new Madden Football video game coming out, give me a call over the weekend and I’ll tell you what it feels like to be inside a woman.” 

Please to remember his excellent Madden Curse theory:

No Calvin don’t catch that– it’s a grenade!


How To Know If You’ve Been Living Right

31 Aug

Just try this simple litmus test:

“A good way to figure out if you’ve been living right is to clean out your car. If you find a couple nugs of weed, three unpaid parking tickets, $66 cash and a card for an escort service, YOU SIR HAVE BEEN LIVING RIGHT! Congratulations. Now have a beer. It’s already past noon.”

If you recall, he has mentioned his dirty car recently:

Line up, ladies!

He Wrote A Speech

30 Aug

for the RNC. I approve…

“My speech was cut tonight at the Republucan National Convention, and I don’t understand why because it was mad short and MAD TRUE:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, the President is black. Did you know that? It’s scary! Let’s get him out of here. He doesn’t understand people like us. We pulled ourselves up by our boot straps. The boots were purchased at Barney’s, and the straps were really nice and easy to pull up. In closing, the black president hates freedom. Guns!””



29 Aug

He’s just like us!

“Sometimes when I get real lonely I call every girl in my phone book, and the first one who answers get the prize of having really mediocre, drunk sex with me. And if I’m lucky they’ll let me cry afterwards and not TWEET ABOUT IT BECKY STEVENS YOU BITCH!”

Becky why did you do that?

Free Political Jokes

27 Aug

This one’s made straight for Twitter…

“Hey here’s a free political joke for you to tell all the kids at school this year: Forget about Mitt Romney’s tax records, I want him to release his other six wives! From the dungeon they live in! It’s probably cold and dark in there! Why are you guys walking away?! Is this thing off?” 


More About Getting Old

27 Aug

Something that apparently comes quicker than you’d imagine…

“Last night I walked down to the ocean, which is something I like to do to remind myself how scary it might be to toss myself against the unforgiving waves one night, knowing that I’d be smashed to bits and this whole charade would finally be over with, and anyway there were some teenagers there, smoking weed, as teens are wont (look it up) to do, and as soon as I arrived they got all weird and put their joint out. I was slurring at this point, because it was 2AM and if you talk to me at 2AM I’m either slurrin’ or blurrin’, my friend. Anyway, these motherfuckers looked at me like I was a fuckin’ cop, and I wasn’t able to satisfy them that I wasn’t when I yelled, “I’m not a funky cock!” over and over again. I tried everything. I pulled my dick out, I slapped BOTH the women in the group, and I poured a bag of mushrooms into the sea (retail value: $60). Still, they walked away. Point is, if you have a chance to do heroin and die heroically this semester, take it. Even the coolest 31 year olds get treated like a pound of monkey shit at a Mandarin Funeral, ya know?”

No idea what this is, but if you type “a pound of monkey shit at a Mandarin Funeral” it’s the first thing that comes up.

Armed And Hammered

23 Aug

I’ve never met anyone as ungrateful to get laid as he is…

“Slept at this girl’s house last night and she had that fucking Arm & Hammer toothpaste. Great. Little salt crunchers in my mouth all night long. Shoulda just not brushed my teeth and given her the old Stink Mouth in the morning. Thanks for nothing, idiot.” 

Why am I ever shocked anymore? You type “arm and hammer toothpaste” and get like five photos of girls taking self shots, alone.

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