Archive | July, 2012

Getting Creative

31 Jul

Drastic times call for drastic measures. That’s a saying right? He sent this picture:

What a fucking selection!

“At the doctor’s office today because my AIDS is flaring up and all they have to masturbate to is this magazine about traveling in the Northeast. Sometimes you’ve gotta get creative. Hoping the combo of loose cougars and the oxymoron of a funny woman can get me over the hump into Explosion Alley, AKA the bathroom with the shitty button lock ten feet from here.” 

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Think Before You Write

30 Jul

a letter to a chemical company…

“Got a few lines into into a complaint letter to Excedrin last night because it wasn’t getting rid of my headache and then I realized I’d ingested, in order:

3 beers

2 pot brownies

2 margaritas

4 glasses of red wine

5 more beers

and 20 cigarettes sprinkled in

and then, 2 Excedrin. 

So I stopped writing the letter. But here it is:

Oh really EXCEDRINE? YOU

RE GOT A LOT TO TALK ABOUT WITH ME AND THIS LACK OF HEADACHE RELIEF I’M RECEIVING!!!!!!!!!”

Fashion Tips

26 Jul

From our in-house editor…

“You’ll hear a lot of fashion pundits over the years talking about when it’s okay for men to wear shorts, or why men shouldn’t wear shorts, or how you should only wear shorts in between Memorial Day and Labor Day, not before the 4th of July but not after Bastille Day and never at night. But the real deal is this– Today I was walking into a grocery store and a bandaid fell off my dick and out the bottom of my shorts. And THAT, my friend, is why men should never wear shorts.”

They don’t call ’em shorts for nothin’

More News On Getting Old

26 Jul

Summary: It sucks…

“Just sneezed at my desk and pulled my groin. Why did I sneeze? Barbara’s new perfume. Why did I pull my groin? Because my once virile, beautiful body has become a wasteland of weak muscle tissue and strong regrets. I’m a piece of shit. So again I urge you– Take some mescaline, listen to R Kelly’s song “I Believe I Can Fly” and jump off your frat house roof next semester.”

Someone made this. Think about that for a second.

Creep Show

26 Jul

For a guy who talks about killing Jerry Sandusky so much, this email comes as a surprise…

“Have you thought about how hot Paris Jackson is gonna be/is now? You should pull a move her Daddy made famous and start dating that smoky-eyed, epically troubled bitch right now.”

Smokey eyed ho.

Multitasking

26 Jul

Learn to do it with the best!

“A lot of people say they can multitask, but they’re full of shit. Wow, you updated your Facebook page AND listened to a podcast about some political issue that has no impact on your life other than the fact that you’re going to jam it into a conversation later to make yourself sound smart? Not impressed. I know how to ACTUALLY multitask, meaning I can give someone a speech about how to get their life together while clipping my toenails, drinking a beer AND having a complete emotional meltdown on an unrelated topic, totally unbeknownst to them! Top that, girl with dyed red hair!”

No idea who the girl with red hair he’s referring to is.

It’s Different In His Brain

25 Jul

And sometimes that’s for the better. Sometimes not…

“Girls dresses don’t fall off in real life as often as they do in my daydreams. Guess they’re made out of different materials.”

Wake up, fool.

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