Archive | June, 2012

How To Get Fired

29 Jun

Just click on “Workplace Behavior” over to the right and do anything he says he does…

“Had to remind my secretary today– it’s not an accident that the word SECRET is the first part of her job title.” 

“Something To Think About”

28 Jun

And I think he might be right…

” “I’m sorry, that sounds pretentious,” is something smart people say when they feel bad about being smart. BEING pretentious is something dumb people do when they try to sound smart. Just something to think about.”

He’s Writing A Book

28 Jun

Or so he says. The title and the cover look promising… He sent this last night:

“The following is an excerpt from my new book “Hey Idiot… You’re Getting Played!” It’s a guide for women but since they’re not allowed to read, hopefully their fathers or brothers will relay the info to them–

“I’ve got a friend named Bob. He’s always so excited to see me, but the problem is, we don’t see each other enough! He’s so busy, and his life is so complicated (with work and a complex emotional past, both of which he has laid out for me in great detail) that he usually only calls me or texts me late at night. If I’m still awake and not busy hanging with other friends, I always accept! Sometimes even when I’m with my other friends, I’ll invite Bob out to meet us. He’s so charming that my friends all enjoy his company too, but he usually just wants to be with me! So we leave early and go home together. We didn’t always have sex, but we do now– every time. The next morning he usually has something to do (and early), so after telling me how great I am and how fun it was to hang out with me, he leaves. We usually won’t talk for a while (sometimes weeks!) but then he’ll pop up again, fun as ever, and the cycle repeats itself. He doesn’t like to make a big deal out of our friendship, even though it means a lot to me. Heck, we’re not even friends on Facebook!

 Now the question is: Does Bob really value me and our friendship, or does Bob just really value my silky hot pussy?””

Beautiful font choice… But not as beautiful as his choice of forward writer.

Really?

28 Jun

Really?

“I can’t believe The Real World is still on TV. Didn’t it get AIDS like 17 years ago?” 

Awwwwww shit!

Theater Jerk

27 Jun

He probably thinks it should be allowed…

“They can’t make a movie like “Magic Mike” for men because men can’t be trusted to not masturbate in movie theaters. PS “Magic Mike” looks awesome!”

But they did…

It’s Not Easy Being Green

27 Jun

It’s sleazy…

“Took down an environmentalist chick last night by telling her that my penis was made from 100% recycled diapers. Gave her a move called “The Carbon Footprint” which is where you finish from behind and then kick her in the ass. Pretty simple, these idiots.” 

Environmental problems solved!

Fake Tough Guys

26 Jun

Often a topic of his wandering mind…

“I was at the DMV today where I shockingly was not involved in a screaming match with a fat black woman, but I did come across something that irked me. Why is it that all tough guys are such fucking pussies when it comes down to it? Wrestlers and boxers are as weight-obsessed as anorexic blonde chicks, Gangbangers are so focused on one color in particular that they match their entire wardrobe, and it appears that every single person who’s ever even trained in Mixed Martial Arts has started their own clothing company with a name like “Renegade” or “SmashFace” or “DickSqueezer.” Why are all these so called tough guys so enamored with their weight and clothes? I’ve never given a shit what I wear or what I weigh, and I’m tougher than a driving test for an Asian. Get a grip, guys.”

“You guys got your red shirts on? Okay, everyone get in there. Now smile and say “prison!””

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