For a guy who says he wants me to get laid all the time, his pick up line advice is some of the worst…
“Great new joke to tell this coming weekend at a party. Totally out of nowhere, in one of those moments where a conversation within a group naturally falls silent, lean forward and say “More like Vincent van Stop– Don’t cut your ear off dude!” Make sure you have condoms in your pocket because a couple of the girls present will probably just fuck you right on the spot. You’re welcome!”
He makes a bandage just like my brother does.
One of his favorite pasttimes…
“Was having drinks with a couple people last night and we were talking about some sob story involving a family that got swept up in a rainstorm and the Dad had to choose between his kids and his wife (easy choice– none– you’ll swim faster) or some such bullshit, and the one guy I was with goes, “Well I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy!” What? Why the hell not? He’s your worst enemy for Christ’s sake– You should wish the worst shit on earth to happen to him. Otherwise, update your God damn enemy list and knock him down a couple notches to like the cancer realm or something.”
Priorities seem to be in order here.
When it comes to food and women…
“Just went to this restaurant for the fourth time to try to recreate the first time I ate some sort of waffle fry concoction and had an orgasm at table 42 in the corner, and as usual, it didn’t work. Point is, don’t chase the dragon. I spent years trying to recreate that first Taco Bell Gordita, but I never got near that high even once. I’ve gotten twice as high as I was when I ate it, but the Gorditas never tasted as good. Your first time will always be your best, which is why I never try to have sex with stoned cheerleaders in Led Zepplin shirts anymore. Nothing’s topping 1994 in that arena.”
“This chick I went on a date with got mad because I was staring at a hot 16 year old girl in a bikini, and didn’t think it made anything better when I said “Men are always gonna love slutty 16 year olds no matter how old they get. It just gets illegal at some point.” So once again the moral is “Don’t take women on dates, they’re thieves.” Good day sir.”
His fascination with rap lyrics continues…
“Easy winner of best recent rap lyric goes to Wiz Khalifa for the line, “Now all my pasta got shrimp in it!” regarding his newfound wealth. Fuck me. That just warms the heart, doesn’t it? Reminds you that your problems aren’t so bad after all, because some people can’t even “add shrimp” to their pasta at the Cheesecake Factory. Can you imagine staring at page 62 of the Cheesecake Factory menu at the succulent “Garlic Noodles” dish and knowing that YOU CAN’T EVEN FUCKING ADD SHRIMP TO IT?????? I would practically die. Anyway, don’t get all pissy about your finals and think you’ve got a tough life. There are stomachs wandering around this nasty world without shrimp in them. In closing, SKRIMP.”
"Two orders of garlic noodles with shrimp please."
I have no idea where thoughts like this come from…
“The kitchen towel must have been invented by a woman. It’s nice looking, it folds easily, and it barely does what it’s supposed to do. ZING!”
I thought Schlitz was a fake company until now.
“Boom. Figured it out. The best way to figure out which girl you’re going to marry (JK! I mean fuck. But tell them marry because it will remind them of that magazine article they read in “You’ll Never Be Good Enough Quarterly” about how single girls die young ) is to go into a bar, stick your arms straight out like Christ Jesus on the cross, and then go into a spin cycle like you’re some sort of awesome drunk helicopter made out of man parts. Your arms will naturally, eventually, wrap themselves around a woman’s shoulders, after hitting like 7 people in the face of course. Once they do, yell out “It’s fate!” and then explain to them how important it is that you get to know one another. Women like to hear stuff like that. “I want to get to know you.” Gross. I don’t want to get to know anyone. I’m complicated enough for me and the eleven therapists I run through each year. Anyhoooooooooo, let me know how many pounds of skirt steak you take to the register this weekend. Gracias.”
Make sure to stiff-arm your friends too.