Archive | March, 2012

He’s An Asshole

23 Mar

He sent me the below two pics as a part of his “favorite LA game” so do yourself a favor and see if you can guess correctly. Don’t scroll down right away…

“Wanna play my favorite LA game? It’s called “Hot Hipster Chick OR Old Dead Woman????” Let’s see what you got. So which is it????”

Then he sent this picture:

"Hot Hipster Chick OR Old Dead Woman?"



I guessed “Hot Hipster Chick” judging by the tight pants and crossed arms which I figured was due to her bad attitude. Here’s the answer…


When he sent me this he also wrote:

“She was walking around yelling “Bitch! Bitch!” Good luck getting to sleep tonight idiot!”


No Wonder…

23 Mar

I thought it was odd when I called him that it went straight to voicemail:

“iPhones act like they’re all cool and fancy, but they smash against walls during fits of rage just like Blackberries do. Back online, bitches.” 

What could have caused this, you wonder? Let’s start with “anything.” 

“Buy In Bulk”

21 Mar

But only when hallucinating. That’s the lesson of the day:

“Just started thinking about how much beer I’ve bought over the years in six, twelve, eighteen, twenty-four and thirty pack increments, and I realized that I should have taken that Leprechaun’s offer twelve years ago when I was tripping balls in a park and he offered to sell me “One million beers” for only $10,000. I guess my point is, buy bulk when you get the chance.” 

He drives a hard bargain.

The Happiest Times

20 Mar

Sometimes they’re the least expected…

“My favorite time of night is when I wake up on the floor and get up for a glass of water from the fridge. My least favorite time is when the dude comes into the kitchen and is all like, “Hey how the fuck did you get in my house?!?!?!?!”” 

"And who are you???"

More Reasons To Never Get Old

20 Mar

From the king of complaints…

“Reasons my back hurts currently: A) I’m old as fuck. B) I fell down the stairs the other night. C) I’ve been sleeping on the couch because I’m afraid of my bed for some reason (ask weed– he started it). D) I’m pretty sure the liver is in the back, right? That motherfucker is hurting and pissed.”

I think he’s on one of the finals levels of his downward spiral.

Remember How Lucky You Are

19 Mar

if you’re in college, that is…

“Here’s about the most fun you can have as an old man on a Sunday night. I was walking back into my apartment at 11PM and headed naturally to my computer to masturbate, but then I remembered “Hey! You put a beer in the freezer!” so I did a sick spin move into the kitchen, and as I grabbed the freezing cold perfect beer from the top shelf, I said aloud to myself, “Nice spin move.” So remember that when you’re nose-hair-deep in Rachel Greengoldsilver’s asscrack this week.”

I actually know Rachel very well and I doubt she’ll let that happen.

Racking Up Stats

18 Mar

We should all shoot for the moon like him. He sent this at 4PM his time yesterday…

“Hey have you ever been thrown out of a beach club? I have! Check that off the FUCKET LIST, and get me a glass of water.”

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