Happy Valentine’s Day

14 Feb

From my brother to the world:

“Happy Valentine’s Day you piece of shit! JK JK! You’re not a POS you’re a wonderful little fella with a heart of gold not unlike a hooker’s, and a strange inability to get laid despite sharing my DNA. Let me assist you– today is the greatest day of the year to be a single man because all women are going EVEN MORE BONKERS than normal today. Seeing as you’ve managed to escape the terror-trap of having a girlfriend thus far, you’ll be able to prey on the legions of single women drowning their sorrows in pizza, cupcakes they bought themselves, and hopefully liquor at your nearest Watering (or tonight, Crying) Hole. So my friend, walk around that beautiful campus of yours and put those tuition dollars to work, picking all the fresh flowers you can hold in your arms, and then hand them out to every forlorn looking girl you see during the day. Say nothing other than “Happy Valentine’s Day,” and maybe call them some funny name like Mallory or Priscilla as if you know them, give a wink, and leave. Later this evening, capture your bounty by whistling a jaunty tune around the dorms, student housing lairs and bars. The women will notice, saying “Hey there’s that fella that made my day earlier! He’s under the impression my name’s Mallory, but heck– he could call me Dogbone and I’d still suck him off in the restroom over yonder!” (That’s how women talk, right?) Anyway, capitalize on their sadness and your generosity by FUCKING THEM SILLY later on. And make sure to vanish from their lives quick as you came, never to be seen again. Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnndddddd you’re welcome.”

I’ll give it a shot!

Actual photo of my brother picking flowers.


One Response to “Happy Valentine’s Day”

  1. charles February 14, 2012 at 6:14 pm #

    again, he is correct. I hope you have taken his advice, otherwise its this for ya? http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_316_23-painfully-honest-valentines-day-cards_p23/#4

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