Archive | February, 2012

Let’s Go Crazy

29 Feb

Apparently anything goes today…

“Guess what motherfucker? It’s a Leap Year day today! And you know what that means– anything goes!!!!!! You see, Leap Year days aren’t real days, so you can literally do whatever the fuck you want and there will be ZERO CONSEQUENCES! Go ahead, call 911– no one’s going to answer. Cops aren’t even allowed to work today! Last February 29th, in 2008, I spent the entire day having sex with animals and smoking crystal meth. So I advise that you take this opportunity to do all the wacky stuff you can’t normally do– skip class, walk around without pants on, shoplift, talk to minorities, etc. I think since I got my animal fucking out of the way last time, I’m gonna take it easy this year and just do some check fraud or public urination. Keep me posted on your progress today!”

I will take him up on the class skipping, but nothing else. 

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Morning Meltdown

28 Feb

He’s mention this “invention” to me before, but not with such detail…

“Woke up this morning with such a raging boner that it was literally IMPOSSIBLE for me to urinate the normal way. I spent a few minutes kicking myself for not inventing my buddy Mike’s idea– the “Morning Wood Urination Station” – which of course is just a pull up bar with feet straps that hangs you upside down over the toilet so you can pee properly. Because I didn’t have the guts or the time to invent such a complicated piece of machinery, and with RAGING boner in such a dire situation, I did the only thing I could. I knocked on my neighbor across the hall’s door and asked her if I could start peeing from her apartment. The process would be simple. Since my toilet is 25 feet directly centered in front of my front door, and her’s is directly across from that, I would begin urinating from inside her apartment and then “walk my boner in” towards my own toilet as the power of the urine began to make it wilt. But for some reason, she couldn’t wrap her pretty little head around that idea, and now supposedly “the cops are coming you freak!!!” or so she says. Another day another lawsuit, that’s what I always say.”

That’s what he always says…

Creepy and funny, just like him!

Painful

28 Feb

He sent this weird drawing last night. All he wrote was:

“I realized something tonight…”

Remember to floss regularly kids.

“Observation”

27 Feb

And no surprise here… its a gross one:

“Observation– Blue Moon kinda tastes like vomit. So when you drink 14 of them and puke, just garnish it with an orange!”

Yum!

Sober Thoughts

26 Feb

I think we’re all a little bit hungover today. Some more than others…

“I was so hungover this morning that my final dream was all about how bad of a headache I had. Then I had to deal with my friend who broke out of rehab taking me out to breakfast and jabbering on and on about how great it was to be sober. Don’t ever be sober. Sober people are literally the most annoying people on earth. “I have a new appreciation for bla bla bla–” Shutup and pass the pepper for my Bloody Mary. Speaking of annoying sober things– do you remember the bumper sticker I used to have on that old shitbox Honda? It said “I’D RATHER BE SOBER” and I made it myself. Best joke ever? Dad didn’t think so. He made me take it off. Because Dad sucks.”

This one's a toss up.

 

He’s A Helpful Guy

24 Feb

Worried about the kids and the creeps, as usual…

“I made this Public Service Announcement because I think people keep forgetting.”

Thank goodness for that *

Just My Types

23 Feb

According to him. He sent this picture and the following email:

I don't go to Florida State and I don't know these girls. Don't sue me.

“Left work early to watch college basketball and smoke weed and saw these chicks. These are the kind of girls you should be hitting on. Pretty faces, a little chubs, big boobs, tons of enthusiasm. They probably like to drink and I’d bet they look great in the morning because they don’t wear a ton of makeup. JK never be there in the morning!!! And they’re worried about stupid stuff like how many lunches they had and what the latest issue of “You’ll Never Be Good Enough” magazine said about them. Plus the one is always trying to defy her Asian father’s strict rules, so she’s probably majorly down to “go crazy” as she calls giving a handjob. Target them, tell them they’re beautiful, and then take them home and break out the baby oil because IT’S ABOUT TO GET SLIPPERY IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!”

 

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