Archive | December, 2011

Somebody Help Him

31 Dec

Please! He sent this at 7AM his time this morning:

“Help! I’m stuck inside the fat rolls of the girl I hooked up with last night. I can’t get out and she doesn’t seem to hear my cries for assistance. I have my phone but no signal, and there are a couple of other dudes in here too, but they’re clearly dead. You’re my last hope. JK JK JK OMG LOL CVS I’m not stuck inside a fat lady, but I am a bit lost and wandering around LA on foot. Haven’t gone to sleep yet. This recession is hitting everyone hard.”

Makes no sense at all. 


“Super Bummed”

30 Dec

He is and for good reason guys…

“I’m super bummed because I just found out that Apple’s email program is no longer accepting new subscribers and I have the best ideas ever for it. I wanted to do or so when people asked me my email address I could say “” instead of “” like I do now. FUCK YOU STEVE JOBS!”

Crazy that there were already 68 other “Mr. Farty Guys”.

Too soon.

The One And Only

28 Dec

As I languish at home, he offers tips for a return to school and partying…

“When you go back to school and head back to the total awesomeness of college parties, I was thinking you might not be well versed in what to do if there’s only ONE hot girl at a party. Trust me, it happens. If you encounter such a situation, I need you to remember one important thing above all– IGNORE THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF HER. 

A of all, everyone and their father is going to be hitting on the one hot chick at the party. She’s going to get annoyed eventually. So unless you get usurped by some Brad Pitt lookalike fuck (FUCK YOU BRAD PITT YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!!! SCAR YOURSELF OR SOMETHING!!!) she’s going to eventually have some wandering eyes that suddenly focus on the ONE DUDE at the party who hasn’t hit on her at all. That’s you. She’ll think, “What’s that guy’s deal. Does he think he’s better than me or something? Oh my God, maybe he IS better than me. Oh God. I have to puke.” When she gets back from puking, she’ll totally be down to F your D and M inside your J crack. You’re welcome.”

Back to the letters he goes. Anyone know what M-ing inside someone’s J crack means? Thanks.  

Working On His Routine

28 Dec

And it’s terrible!

“Yo bro. Been working some more on my comedy routine. Mostly observational stuff like this, pretty excited– 

Why women be so pretty going into yoga, but so ugly comin out? I’m like “damn girl yo face red as fuck and you be lookin tireder than a mufuh!!!!!”

Whaddaya think?”

I told him I really liked it and wanted to hear more asap. As he says, you’re welcome. 

"Oh no he didn't!"

Bathroom Humor

27 Dec

We got pretty wasted last night, and I didn’t wake up until 3PM today. He had texted me “I think I’m losing my hair.” which I didn’t understand. When I went to the bathroom I found that he’d trimmed his pubes all over the toilet and floor and then just left. Hilarious. I also got another message from him at the airport:

“Just took a shit at the airport, and it was so satisfying that I thought to myself during it “I wish this feeling would last forever.” Then I got kinda sad because I realized I’ve never thought that about a woman.” 

Yep. That is pretty sad. And gross. 

Updates From The Homestead

26 Dec

He goes home tomorrow, and its been a pretty funny although slightly uneventful few days. Here’s a little breakdown of some interesting happenings:

Last night at dinner he kept asking our Mom why there weren’t any jalapeno poppers being served. After the fifth time our Dad said “Will you cut it out about the poppers?!” and my brother stayed quiet for about thirty seconds and then whispered “hot cream cheese filling.”

Then when we were drinking in the basement he explained to me how he’s thinking of buying a tiger as a pet.

“I can afford it. Can you imagine? Throw a steak in his cage and watch that fucker go wild!”

And then he made tiger noises for like 30 seconds straight.

Today we went, as a family, to see The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. And spoiler alert, but there’s a lot of nudity in that movie. And also a brutal rape scene, during which my brother loudly whispered “That’s how Dad got Mom pregnant!” Later there was a fat dude that kept checking his phone, and my brother asked him loudly if he liked it. He pretended to be interested in it, like maybe he wanted to buy one, and when the guy smiled and said yes my brother said “Well then I’d put it away, because if you take it out again I’m gonna throw it through the fucking movie screen.” It was awkward after that.


Like A Tornado Made Of Drugs

23 Dec

Well this has been interesting. He showed uo acting like a complete weirdo, claiming that the “black pilot was fresstyling over the loudspeaker the entire flight.” Then he pulled me aside and informed me that he ate a huge pot brownie before his flight so the freestyling story may not have been “100% accurate.” Now he’s eating cookies in the kitchen that someone gave us, and they are that weird Otis Spunkmeyer brand that he can’t stop laughing about. I just overheard the following:

“MMMMMM these Spunkmeyers are so good Mom. I would eat these in a barn! Do I have any Spunkmeyer on my face? I feel like I do. Dad? Get in here!”

In other news, I got a 2.0 so I’m still a citizen of college. Hooray.

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