Archive | November, 2011

Heavy Weights

30 Nov

Not sure why he thinks of stuff like this, but he does:

“Whoever said “my uzi weighs a ton” must have been a total pussy. Uzis are light as shit. .45’s weigh a ton. AK’s are pretty heavy, especially the Russian ones that are mostly wood. But uzis? Gimme a break, rap guy.” 

I don't think this should surprise anyone.


Sex And Sleep

30 Nov

They seem unrelated, and they probably are. But not if you’re insane:

“Sometimes I wake up in the morning and there’s all sorts of pornographic pictures of women on my desktop and I’m all like “Whaaaaat?!” And then I remember that I was masturbating really late at night and I fell asleep. And that, my friend, is how computers get viruses. Wrap it up!” 


Another reason to not get a cat.

Bullshit Lies And More Bullshit

30 Nov

I called home tonight at 10PM and “proved” that I wasn’t drunk. Well guess what I am now! I hate everything in life and I have finals coming up. Wish I was doing what he claims to be doing:

“Just saw a dude walking down the street carrying a yoga mat and destroying the concept of manhood for everyone, so I smashed his head in with an electric guitar. What’s that you say? Why did I have an electric guitar on the street? Because I was doing my 6 O’Clock Sidewalk Guitar Solo, mind your own business! But now I guess the Guitar Solo Extravagasm® is on hold until I can afford a new axe, isn’t it Yoga Boy?!?!?!?! (cool people call guitars “axes” by the way)”

Another registered trademark thingy by him, so no one use that! We’ve been talking on the phone a lot recently and as much as I want to record the conversations so you can hear them, I can’t. So you’ll have to settle for these randoms. But just so you know, he’s very proud of me and said something to the effect of “If I was caught pissing they’d have gotten me for indecent exposure too because it takes me 18 minutes to put my dick away on account of how long it is.” Yep, I think that’s exactly what he said.  

Dude has a cool axe.

He’s A Regular Stuart Scott

29 Nov

Except white and with two normal eyes. He sent this on Sunday while I was getting way too drunk during the evening…

“Did you see the sports game today? That one city’s team was so close to winning but then a play occurred that prevented them in shocking fashion! The ball nearly got to the point it needed to but was stopped short by a group of determined men! Their coach was all like “Argh!” and many of their fans seemed sad and/or annoyed. Wives of those fans were mistreated in various manners on the homefront, and children were blamed in nonsensical ways! Classic sports day. God Bless Mars.”

He’s lost it. Meanwhile, I’ve been asked to “call home every night at 10PM to prove you’re not out partying” by our dad. I’m starting to hate him as much as my brother suddenly. 

His wife was never heard from again.

Non-Arrest Story From The Weekend

29 Nov

Prior to my idiocy, we were asked to go to our Grandma’s house on Sunday morning to visit her which is kind of a tradition where she talks for awhile and then gives us each $100 cash. We were both very hungover, and she has these huge hearing aids and still can’t hear anything you say unless you scream it at her. “She’s gonna be waiting in her den like the fucking deaf Godfather” I think is what my brother said on the walk over there. On this particular morning her hearing aids were emitting this terrible dog whistle high pitch frequency that got more and more unbearable as the talk went on and my brother started cussing her out under his breath saying shit like “Just give us the fucking money, Lebowski” and “I’m having a seizure you old bitch, hurry up!” Anyway it was really funny. That’s all. 

I Got Arrested

28 Nov

Not him. Me. And not even with him. With a couple friends on my last night here so I missed my flight back to school and guess what? My Dad is furious! Minor in Possession and Public Intoxication. It turns out you shouldn’t piss on the side of a building when you’re drunk and not even 21, especially when there’s a cop just sitting in his car like 30 feet away. Small town drunk tanks are boring and sad on Sunday nights. 

Flying back to school now and I might have to come back home in a month or so because we got a lawyer and maybe we can get some charges dropped or something. I don’t know except that I’m fucked and my brother is really proud:

“Mom told me what happened. She sounded drunk. Congrats on finally becoming a man. Call me ASAP when you’re out of Dad’s clutches.”

I’ll keep the world posted on here too. I’m an idiot. 

Update From The Homefront

26 Nov

Well, we did not get arrested last night, and he was very sad about it. He actually apologized a couple of times today. Not for lack of trying though, because in all three of the bars we went to (that would let me in) he kept saying “I didn’t realize this was a gay bar” really loudly, and that shit was pissing off a lot of people. He also kept saying to random dudes “I’m trying to find a dance partner” and he meant someone to fight but it was really just confusing people. One bar had a troth full of ice cubes to piss in and he kept trying to show me and other people how to pee on the bottom of the stack of ice and create an avalanche of ice on the guy pissing next to you. It was weird. He’s weird. 

It’s been hard to post shit while everyone’s here and he has been especially following me around and punching me/monitoring what I’m doing/bothering me. Hopefully we can get arrested tonight. He leaves tomorrow. 

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